Webby ~ by P'cess

Why does it matter to you?

2012-02-07T14:58:00.001-08:00

Proposition 8 was overturned in California today as unconstitutional. For those that don't know, Proposition 8 was a California ballot proposition that sought to change the California Constitution to add a new section (7.5) to Article I, that would read: "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."

Obviously, for those that support (or should I say, have no reason not to support) equality for all, that was a huge loss. This morning in a 2-1 ruling, the Ninth Circuit Court of California ruled it was unconstitutional. Same-sex couples won't be running to the alter any time soon, since the order was stayed so that supporters of Prop 8 can appeal.

This is what one of the judges said this morning:

"Proposition 8 serves no purpose, and has no effect, other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gays and lesbians in California, and to officially reclassify their relationships and families as inferior to those of opposite-sex couples," states the opinion written by Judge Stephen Reinhardt, one of the court's most liberal judges.

Now, here's where my question comes in. Why does it matter? Why does a heterosexual in a stable relationship care if two homosexuals get married? That gay or lesbian person wasn't going to marry YOU anyway, so why do you care? I know, I know, lots of prop 8 supporters (and other anti same sex marriage supporters) say that it diminishes the 'impact' of marriage. That it cheapens it. Again, what does someone else's marriage have to do with YOUR marriage? If you eat white rice and I eat brown rice, does my eating brown rice make your rice less white? If you're a vegetarian, does my eating meat make you less of a vegetarian? What if I said that I was a vegetarian that ate meat on occassion. Does that cheapen how YOU feel about being a vegetarian?

For that matter, since we're talking about food, and this entry has already strayed from the general topics of this blog, let me ask why there's 'fat-hate'. What difference does it make if I'm 30 or 80lbs over weight and you're not. Does that impact your life? Does it give you a lesser quality of life?

How about religion? Does my being or not being of a certain religion affect how you worship and celebrate your religion?

I don't think I'm a good person to have this conversation with because I just don't care what other people do. Not that I don't care about other people, but as long as everyone is consenting adults, free to make up their own minds and hearts about what they want and don't want, then that means that they get to be in charge of their destiny. In charge of their own happy, whatever that looks like.

I'm sitting in a place of privilege to write this, don't get me wrong. I'm not homosexual, I'm not morbidly obese and my chosen religion is one that is not persecuted here where I live and not in many many other countries. I have no disfigurement, no learning disability and do have money.

I know a lot of people would say that it's easy for me to sit in my life and wonder why this is such a big deal. And to those people, I would say 'I'm on YOUR side!'. It would be easy to sit here in my life and say that same sex marriage is sacrilige and that being fat is disgusting and a drain on the health system (like smoking, drugs and drinking aren't??) and that everyone should be a Christian because that's what I am. But easy never got anyone anywhere... Easy isn't my cup of tea.

I wish this blog got more traffic because I'd like someone to calmly explain to me why it matters. Why what someone else does in their own time, on their own dime matters to you.

If you have insight into why people feel this way, please share... because it boggles my mind!

Her

2012-02-03T10:32:00.001-08:00

So I'm not that good at thinking up things to blog about lately... Like my sister says, I'm not wearing my bloggles...

So I'm going to steal from her, because I had this kind of epiphany last night...Her blog from this morning starts with a memory of something she enjoyed and got back to doing...

My epiphany, while having no action behind it, leads me to believe that there is an awakening happening in my mind... pieces of the very distant past being freed... surfacing in the present and reminding me who I once was... (this is the very distant HAPPY past, not the more recent miserable past).

I got home from work last night and the only thing on my mind was a shower. It's weird because I don't usually shower at night and certainly not as the most important first thing I do when I get home.

So I popped my shower cap (can you buy nice ones, or do I have to continue to steal from hotels??) on my head (I just hate wet hair!) and hopped in... As I let my mind drift, it drifted back to the many many showers I used to take when I was running and going to boot. Depending on the day, sometimes three, most of the time, two.

Thinking nothing of it, I got out and bury'd my face in my towel... and the most familiar soapy, lotiony smell of showers gone by filled my lungs... I don't use scented products and this morning when I went to use my same towel, I couldn't find the smell... but in that moment, as I dried my face and took off my stupid cheap shower cap, I looked at myself in the mirror and in there... behind my eyes, I saw her... The her that doesn't hate herself...the her that has never left me... The her that knows she's strong enough to make it back... The her that is still mired in conflict and hiding deep inside came a little closer to the surface and peaked out... just for a minute.

I'm holding on to her... I'm still going to let her come out in her own time... I'm afraid to scare her off... but I got to see her last night... a glimpse... and she's just as healthy and happy and strong as she was when I left her... And she didn't even seem sad or disappointed that she got left behind... for I only left her to protect her... to hide her from the pain and anguish that she didn't deserve to have to endure. I put her away so that at least a part of me would survive unscathed. Maybe she could have helped me... but I'm glad that none of the last five years touched her...

Back to Basics

2012-01-31T14:41:00.001-08:00

So, now that my mind seems to be behaving in a somewhat consistent pattern (I didn't even nap this weekend!), it's time to work the idea of excersise in to my life!

Do I want to go to the gym? No...

Do I want to run 10KM races? Not now

Do I want to obsess about calories vs excersise? No!

I used to do all of that... I used to read the labels of packages and be excited when I found some new yummy snack that was a 'perfect zone snack'. I used to really care about that stuff. And in the last few years, I stopped caring about everything... it was survival you see.

When I was in my coma of survival mode, I thought many times about my health and fitness. I was just sure that it would come a time when I went back to my old ways. When my excitement came from discussing calories and excersise technique and reading fitness magazines. When that was what drove me out of bed every morning and drove me into bed in anticipation of the next day every night.

What surprised me is that not only has that not come back, but I've been vehemently opposed to it. Being a self reflective type of person, I figured I'd better go inside myself and find out why this was not my new and burning desire... why the thought of doing what I knew I once loved was so bitter tasting to me.

Well, I think I've got it.

The overarching theme of my feelings, thinking back over the last few (and the last two and a half in particular) years was instability. A lack of calm. A lack of real and true love... Of being alone in a sinking ship and not knowing how to save it or myself. A real and total loss of control.

If you know me at all, you know I like to be in control. I like to make plans, I like to know what's going on and I don't particularly care for surprises.

When I gave up my control in the past couple years, I figured the most important thing to me would be getting it back. And in part I have. I now have a clean house, I cook what I want, I do what I want and I certainly don't do a single thing that I don't want to do...

When I think about that in relation to fitness and health, you'd think for sure that what I want the most is the control of counting calories, being my own boss and really monitoring and controling what I am eating and what fitness I'm doing.

Turns out that THE MOST important thing to me, out of all the things I lost was a sense of calm. Of peacefulness. Because worse than having no control was having no peace. No sense of calm comfort.

I have that now... intermitently at times, but I have my calm. My mind is at peace, which I have not been able to say for some time.

When I think about fitness, the thing I want most is to maintain that sense of calm. Maybe that won't be important to me in two months, but right now, it's THE most important thing.

So I made some plans with that in mind.

Sam and I are going to start walking around the Stanley Park Seawall (8.9KM) on the weekends in the morning. Sundays to start but Saturdays probably when he's not in school.

Sharon and I are going to take the dogs for woods walks on the weekend (alternating days to the wall)

I think back to the basics is the key here... and keeping my calm and peaceful state of mind.

Pilot Project

2012-01-25T10:49:00.001-08:00

The other day I made a Smash Book page dedicated to me. I figured that I made one for my sister, Sam and Kathleen and wrote lovely things about them, put pictures and stickers and sayings about what they meant to me... and I thought I deserved one for me. I called it Love Letter 2 Me and I wrote lovely things about myself, what I like about myself and my strengths and offerings in the world. I sent it to Kathleen and she texted me back with a beautiful text message longer than my iphone screen that said such wonderful things about me. It was totally unexpected but really amazing to read.

In discussing the message, we came up with sort of plan, based on a memory Kathleen had from college. Basically you would give a number of your closest friends and relatives an index card and ask them to write something about you. In Kathleen's case the respondees wrote the unique qualities about her. In my case, I wouldn't care what someone wrote...as long as it was kind and uplifting. My unique qualities, the characteristics about me that they like the most, a favorite memory of me or us together...

And don't think this is selfish undertaking. I think that everyone that wants to have it done for them needs to ensure that they're willing to do it for others. So if I give you a card to fill out about me, I'd fill one out about you. If you give someone a card to fill out about you, you have to be willing to fill one out for everyone that returns it to you.

I should think that your family and close friends (whether you've ever met them in person or not) would be the ideal candidates.

What do you think? Would you be interested in being involved in this? Not necessarily with me, but with your own group of friends and family? I'd like to judge response and then I would like to host a monthly sharing time on this blog for people to share how it touched them and how they've touched others.

Pumpkin Steel Cut Oats

2012-01-24T09:18:00.000-08:00

On Friday night my girlfriend slept over... We drank a LOT of wine (some of us drank a bit more than others... some of us also think we should plan our next sleep over soon so some of us can drink MORE wine).

Knowing what I know about us, I knew that I should have a plan for breakfast.

So plan I did... and then, when I got up at the crack of dawn (after having drank what I would define as a LOT of wine), I realized I didn't have two of the ingredients to make my planned breakfast. So I put my coat on over my pajamas and troddled off to the store... lucky for me, there's no one out and about at 7am on a Saturday morning... Lucky because my flannel pants made me look like I was a 14 year old girl that's trying to rebel against the world. When I got home from my flannel clad excursion, I was ready to make us a hearty and healthy breakfast. Make sure you eat this in your favorite flannel pj's with your favorite girlfriend. Tastes best that way!

Recipe from The Kitchn

My notes in red.

Baked Pumpkin Steel Cut Oatmeal
serves 4 to 6
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, divided I don't actually think you need the first amount of butter to toast the oats. Next time I'd leave that off)
1 1/2 cups steel cut oats
1 cup pumpkin or squash puree I used canned pumpkin. Next time I'd use the whole can of pumpkin (14 floz)
1/3 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon ginger
1/2 teaspoon cloves
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg I used pumpkin pie spice because I'm lazy. Put a lot in!
2 cups milk Apparently you can do this with any type of dairy or non dairy milk. I bet almond milk would be good!
2 1/2 cups warm water
1 teaspoon vanilla I scraped out half a vanilla bean and also cooked the pod in the oats.
1/2 teaspoon salt
Heat the oven to 375°F. In a 3-quart (or larger) saucepan or Dutch oven, heat 1 tablespoon of the butter over medium-high heat. (Your burner shouldn't be on at full blast, but the butter should melt quickly.) When the butter foams up, stir in the oats and fry them, stirring frequently, for about 3 minutes or until they smell toasted.
Push the oats up against the side of the pan, (I took them out entirely because the pan I was using was too small) and drop the second tablespoon of butter in the now clear center of the pan. Dump in the pumpkin puree. Fry it in the butter, only stirring after about a minute. Stir in the sugar and spices and continue frying the puree for another 3 to 4 minutes, or until the color darkens slightly and the raw smell disappears. It's OK if a few dark brown spots appear as the puree sticks to the pan.
Pour in the milk and whisk everything to combine. Whisk in the water, vanilla and salt. Put a lid on the pan and put it in the oven. Bake for 35 minutes. Take the pan out of the oven, and carefully lift the lid (be cautious as steam will billow out). Stir the oatmeal. It will look quite loose still, but the oats should be al dente and tender. The oatmeal will thicken rapidly as it cools.
Eat immediately with a drizzle of cream or milk and maple syrup, or let cool and then refrigerate. Heat up bowls in the microwave or on the stovetop. This is actually very good cold straight from the fridge. It's a bit custardy and the oats are perfectly cooked. Tastes like dessert for breakfast. I don't put anything else on it (no need for added sugar or dairy!)

Fang

2012-01-22T21:27:00.001-08:00

Repeat after me:

2012-01-20T14:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I felt calm...

Today I feel free...

I'm not going to say there aren't going to be difficult times and there aren't going to be any more memory bombs that come at me out of nowhere, but today is the first day that I can look at the last nine months and see that I've walked through and closed the door on that chapter.

I know on the other side of that door is turmoil and pain and that will have played a part in creating a new and different me... a little less trusting, a litte more cautious...

But I feel like I'm finally not a prisoner in my own mind anymore!

I feel like I can make decisions, instead of drifting through a horizontal space... That I can have ups and downs and still survive. That I am in control of myself.

I made and brought my lunch for five days this week. That may not seem like a big deal, but for someone that couldn't find the will to do anything other than lay on the couch and stare, that's a pretty big deal. Not only did I make and bring my lunch... it was plain chicken breast and shed loads of fresh, raw vegetables. Broccoli, carrots (yes, I even ate carrots!), pea pods, tomatoes and cauliflower. I barely ate any arrowroots, drank only lemon water or plain water and didn't snack in the evenings. That's a big deal! If you've ever been depressed, you KNOW that's a big deal!

I made my friend a treat like I said I would do and I have plans for crock pot cooking that isn't just a pipe dream. I've made goals and started to stick to them, I've made plans and I know they're acheivable. It feels like I have my heart-brain back... you know, the combination of the two that propell you forward... engage you in your own life. That was missing. I'm not saying that every day will be sunshine and rainbows, but I can only see a steady increase... My friend said back in May that my life would be on the upswing... Little did we all know what a long and dark slide I would have to endure before the climbing could begin... but climbing it is... only climbing from now on...

I woke up the other night with the following words blaring on repeat in my mind...

I think the true and genuine me has finally gotten enough courage and strength to be more powerful than the me that was abused.

"Repeat after me: I did what I had to do to survive the situation at the time. There is no shame in that"

Calm

2012-01-19T13:36:00.001-08:00

Today I feel calm. I feel secure... like a baby, swaddled in an extra thick flannel blanket.

I'm very tired. I've been going through an intense emotional experience, but today, I feel calm.

I like calm.... I haven't felt it for a while and it's good to have it back.

Calm.

I'm sorry Karma!

2012-01-18T09:22:00.001-08:00

Well, I think Karma is teaching me a lesson... Yesterday my dad called from Tumbler Ridge where it is currently -28 and with the wind chill, feels like -41 (For my American friends, that translates to -18, with the wind chill feels like -36). He was calling, hoping to mock me a little bit for the 'blizzard' that we were currently having. Being a smartass myself, I laughed at him and told him that it was GORGEOUS out yesterday! Blue skies, puffy white clouds and the sun glinting on the fresh snow in the distant mountains made it almost perfect. I gloated and gloated... and this morning I woke up and it's -7 (18F) and snowing... and snowing and snowing. It is so cold in fact (relatively speaking, since I've lived here more than ten years and it's never really gotten too cold) that I wore an alpaca hat this morning. I knit this hat ages ago and never wore it because it's bulky alpaca... just a bit warm for a place where it MAYBE reaches 0 (32F). Well it certainly wasn't too warm to wear it today!

How do you apologize to Karma for being cheeky?

Knitting Year in Review

2012-01-13T10:15:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't say that I was very productive in my knitting this year... altho I sort of say that every year and then when I go to write this post, I find that I have been reasonably productive.

I made eleven hats. Of those eleven hats, nine of them were for gifts. That's I think a record number of gift knitting for me... Sam got two hats, my sister got five, my dad got one and my other friend got one.

I made four pairs of mittens. Of those four pairs of mittens they're MINE ALL MINE!

I made eleven shawls/scarfs. Of those eleven, ten were for me and one was for my friend at work who went through cancer treatment.

I made a pair of slippers, an iphone cover, Henri and SadNorman for me. One hot water bottle cover for me and one for my friend and one large baby blanket for another friend.

That's the extent of my knitting... I guess 33 items isn't really anything to sneeze at... but let's look at the lessons I learned.

1. Sometimes the anticipation of finishing something is better than actually finishing it. Take my Girasole... I finally 'finished' it... (by finished, I mean, decided to stop knitting on it and cast the sucker off). I was so excited. The thing is beautiful, don't get me wrong... but it's a weird size and a round blanket is a difficult thing to actually use. So it's in a giant zipper bag in my knitting locker.

2. If you're going to knit something, you should read the entire pattern first and check on the stitch count etc... before you decide to 'make it bigger using bigger yarn'.

3. Steeking lace is never a good idea... especially if you don't actually know how to steek!

4. Turns out that when you get more comfortable with knitting, your guage changes. I used to knit mitts on 4.5mm. Now I have to use 4mm because the bigger needle makes them look like they're made of mesh.

5. It's okay to knit things for yourself the EXACT way you like them. Turns out that I don't particularly care for thumbs in my fingerless mitts. Thumbs are difficult to get perfectly snug and I find the mitt less useful than when it doesn't have thumbs. Since I'm knitting mittens for me and I don't like thumbs, that means I can make thumbless mittens till I'm blue in the face... and I have...

6. Giving knitting away to deserving and admiring recipients is fun! Hats are easy. Hats are fast. People like hats. I like to make hats and yet I only have one head. It's difficult to find people that I feel comfortable knitting for... It's a weird thing...

7. Taking commissions isn't something I'm very good at. I mean, I do it, but the second something is expected of me, I immediately lose the interest to knit anything at all...

8. Just because you start knitting someone's birthday present eleven months early, doesn't mean that you'll finish on time... ever!

Medicine

2012-01-09T14:28:00.000-08:00

I'm having a hard time making heads or tails of my feelings right now... What I never have a hard time talking about is knitting....

1. I made another pair of mittens. If by mittens, I'm referring to custom fit, thumbless, fingerless tubes... I'm not interested in thumbs... I like the feeling of just having an extra long wool sleeve on... In fact, I'm sprouting a plan to make extra long wool sleeves...

2. I made a definitive sweater plan... I know, I know... hard to believe since I've made two definitive sweater plans already and no sweater to show for it... But this one, this one is going to be a keeper!

3. I'm working my way through all the wool that I wound for my trip. So far I've done two projects that were intended for the car and cast on a third. I feel a bit stupid still for not doing it on the trip, but since it's all rolled into balls now, I'm determined to not have to wind it back up into a skein... After I do my replacement mittens, I'm going to cast on the Spud and Chloe for a hat and then I'll have finished all the stuff I wound for the trip

4. I'm going to cast off/finish all my WIPs (except the teal/gray sweater... that one is on going). I don't want languishing projects hanging around...

5. I need to do a major cleanse/reorg of my stash. I have a bunch of yarn that isn't in the stash in Rav, so when I go looking for ideas, it's not listed... I would like to do this in the daylight so I can properly photograph everything so probably Saturday morning. Related to this is a need to wind a bunch of balls back into skeins... And I need to figure out how I'm going to get rid of yarn I don't want... Postage isnt' the best way because it costs a lot from Canada to anywhere... and giving it away isnt' really an option because there's some nice stuff... I will have to ruminate on that a bit...

6. That's all I can give you... What I know is that when all of life seems to be conspiring against me... I always have the soft cushiness of knitting to fall back on... and there's never too many mittens in a girl's life... I'll just keep making mittens until I feel better! Seems like a good plan to me!

The Trip!

2012-01-05T13:27:00.000-08:00

I'm sure you've gathered by now that our trip to San Fransicso was amazing... It was the best trip I've ever been on (by far!) and I was lucky enough to share it with one of my best friends.

We left in the late morning of Dec 23rd. Originally we had wanted to leave much earlier but the kitty cat sort of got in the way. I messed up reading the check in times and found out the day before that check in isn't until 1pm at the earliest... I called and asked them if there was any way he could go earlier and there was, but he would be in the far back corner no where near the natural light. I called Sam and asked him what he wanted to do and he was fantastic and said he wouldn't be comfortable having the kitty be tucked away in the back for the whole trip so we decided to just check him in the next day and leave when we could. I was so thankful to him! Mr. Fluffypants did so well at the cat hotel. He usually yowls and howls and carries on like he's being killed but this time he was quiet and content. They said he did so well that they made him into 'reception cat' and he was allowed to hang out for long periods of time because he was so relaxed! A huge departure from how he used to be. Probably because he's not being harrassed on a daily basis anymore!

Anyway, we left in beautiful clear blue skies and sunshine and headed out of town. There wasn't much to see or do for the first day of driving... we stopped at Trader Joe's for snacks and water and then drove to Portland on the I5. In Portland we crossed over through McMinnville and hit Lincoln City and then cruised in to Newport OR at around 8ish. Sam really wanted us to wake up in Newport and since I had no knowledge of even where we were on a map, I was happy to agree along. We had home made egg salad sandwiches for dinner in the hotel and then promptly fell asleep.

Waking up in Newport was a FANTASTIC idea and we got to see Nye Beach before the sun even rose. It was gorgeous and absolutely took my breath away... the roar was unbelievable!

We decided to really go for it on the 24th and make our way from Newport to Santa Rosa. That's 531 miles and Google Map says it's supposed to take 11 hours. I think it ended up taking us 13 or so... we stopped a LOT on the Oregon coast... we found some beautiful trails that led right to cliffs over looking the water, gorgeous sand dunes, pristine beaches and HUGE waves! We also had a Christmas Miracle when we got pulled over for speeding and all we got was a warning and a wish of Merry Christmas. I also got to experience the refreshing ocean water when I got smacked by a big wave on the breakwater in Bandon Oregon. Apparently it wasn't a near death experience but it was somewhat terrifying and I was also soaking wet! It was sort of my fault since I wasn't paying attention because I dropped something important into a hole in the rocks and was trying to figure out how to get it without risking my life...

We think our GPS might have gotten a head injury somewhere along the way because trying to get to the hotel in Santa Rosa was an excersise in futility. We named her Meryl... there was a lot of yelling at Meryl... she also saved our butts on a few occassions.

We have no real pictures of Santa Rosa because we got there at midnightish and left first thing in the morning to head out to Sonoma. Sonoma was gorgeous! There wasn't a soul around and so we got to take amazing pictures. We toodled around and then we noticed a man walking his dog carrying a Starbucks cup. Off in search of Starbucks brought us to the only ONLY place open on Christmas Day. We stood in line with a hundred of our closest friends for Egg Nog Mistos (I think I got Sam hooked) and made some calls on wifi to family and friends. Then it was off to San Fransisco! I got to see the Golden Gate bridge for the first time and Alcatraz off in the distance.

Since it was too early to check in to our hotel, we decided to go to Fisherman's wharf to see if it was open. Open indeed! Every tourist in SF was there. We wandered around, I bought us salt water taffy and then we had Spicy Seafood Chowder in breadbowls and sat at a table outside (it was SO NICE OUT!)

After we paid the GDP of a small country to get our car out of hock, we took Meryl and ourselves to the hotel. We were upgraded because we originally asked for two queen beds and they had us down for a King. Even tho we got 'married' at a gas station in Washington, we still wanted our two queen beds. So they sent us up to the 13th floor of a 17 floor building into a brand newly renovated room. It was pretty swanky and the service reflected the actual retail price of the hotel, not the sheckles we paid for it.

We layed around the hotel for a few hours before deciding we should go out into the streets and find something to eat. We found a lot of places online that seemed good but they were either closed or too far away to walk to... we didn't want to drive while we were in SF.

After around an hour and a bit, we realized that there was nothing open so we went back and ordered burgers from room service and read our ipads until it was time for bed. We're real party animals!

We got up at the crack of dawn on Boxing Day and headed out for a two mile walk to get to the pier for our trip to Alcatraz. It was beautiful out and again, not a soul around so it was a nice walk and we got there in plenty of time.

It was VERY cold on the boat and I was wishing that I had more clothes on, but we used the weather from the day before and figured that neither of us wanted to pack a coat around if it got up to 17 degrees like the weather forecast called for. Big Mistake... Big... HUGE! (what movie is that from? I know... do you?)

Alcatraz was amazing and it was very eyeopening to see how prison used to be... I'd never have wanted to be there, that's for sure! I didn't listen to the audio tour because there were too many people in there who started their tour at the exact same time, so it was really difficult to see anything through the crowds... Sam and I took ourselves on our own tour and it must have been somewhat comprehensive because we spent three hours on the island. I'm only sad that I didn't get to hear the inmates recollections of some of the crazy events that went on there... I'll look for it online...

After Alcatraz we went for some lunch and then hopped on a two hour bus tour to go see the city. The plan was to get off on the SF side of the bridge, walk across and then get back on the bus on the other side and ride back... best laid plans and all!

After our six hour, freezing cold 'tour', we went back to the hotel for a rest and then out for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. I'm so glad that Sam indulged me because it was just as I expected and I only get to go every year or so! We were almost scared away by the two hour wait, but in the end, we planned it well and it wasn't too painful!

I was sad to check out of our SF hotel... it was so nice! But we were on our way again and went over to the Castro to go to Imaginknit (I highly do NOT recommend that place!) and then we drove over the bridge (which I never need to see again!) and off to Petaluma. What a cute little town! We picked up some yarn, some lunch and some chocolates and caramels for our ride back and then headed for Crescent City. Because it was dark when we saw it going down, we decided to sleep there and see it in the daylight. Again, best laid plans. It was so windy and rainy that night that Sam couldn't sleep and in the morning it was gray and overcast and pouring! We drove out of town and braved 65m/hr winds all the way back to Newport.

It was still stormy and disgusting out so we headed for a seafood restaurant to have dinner and drinks. Nothing like super fresh seafood! It was amazing and made me want to eat oysters every day!

From Newport we headed up the coast to Cannon Beach, Astoria, Seaside and before all of that, Tillamook! I was carsick on the hour ride to Tillamook but that was well solved with a scoop of peanut butter icecream and half a gravol! After we loaded up on cheese products we headed to Seattle (getting caught in Seattle rush hour when you both have to pee is NOT fun!) and checked into our very swanky hotel! (thanks Hotwire!). We walked a few blocks to a local pub/restaurant and had a very yummy dinner and then before we both knew it, we were asleep.

Before checkout at noon, we wandered down to the Pike Place Market for a peak and some breakfast. I had a crumpet with butter and honey and two oyster shooters from Pike Place Fish Market. Both items were divine and made me laugh at the ridiculousness of my chosen breakfast. Sam had Starbucks gingerbread cake. Probably a bit more normal!

We arrived home after shopping and dawdling at around 6:30pm and it was shower and bed for me!

The trip was amazing and was rounded out by an amazing dinner the next night (New Years Eve) at Sam and Luis' house. Sam made us the national Venezualan dish and we layed on the couch and watched Mary Poppins. I was in bed by 11:15. I hadn't seen midnight all year and I saw no reason to start!

(all pictures copyright to Sam Mcleod)

Good thing!

2012-01-03T19:30:00.000-08:00

Good thing I don't put much stock in New Years. I mean, yes, it's the start of a new calendar year and yes, I like the fresh start, but this year, it's been difficult because we sort of ran into New Years on our way home from vacation...
In the past, I have made April resolutions (and stuck to them) and August resolutions (and stuck to them) and other daily resolutions (and stuck to them). So I'm not too concerned about having done nothing towards the planning for this year yet... it's only the 3rd.

The things I AM going to plan for in the next month will be my yearly goals list (which involves everything from 8 glasses of water per day to owning a multi million dollar home... a girl has to dream big you know!)
I am going to make some plans for my knitting career and try and knit from my existing stash as much as possible. I have such a bunch of gorgeous yarns that need to be made into gorgeous pieces. Right now I'm obsessed with thumbless mittens... I'm okay with that!

I am going to make some plans for my dietary and exercise needs. I have some very talented and athletic friends that are going to help me and I'm determined to feel better. My sister says that the extra weight I've put on in the last couple years is my pain on the outside... and I think that's true. But I don't want to be in pain anymore. As of this trip and the revelations I made, I know it's not going to go away soon (the pain that is). But every step towards being pain free and content again is a step away from the past. Even now, eight months after my relationship ended, bothersome and painful things are making their way from the depths of my soul. As Sam said, in order to cope, I pushed and packed these things down into a place where I didn't have to deal with them... it's a certified coping mechanism. What I didn't know at the time and know now, is that those things never stay there forever. They eventually come back up from the darkness and insist on being faced. Makes me wish for myself and my loved ones that things of great importance, whether difficult or not, are dealt with head on. Because now I'm in a place where I don't know what else is down there and what will trigger it to come blasting up from my soul. I know now, after my trip, that I don't have to deal with them alone. There's at least one person, (and I know, many more), that will hold my hand and my heart while I move ever onward away from pain and towards health. Both mentally and physically!

I am going to figure out what I want from my career and what I want in the next few years. I made some pretty huge commitments already and one of those is a driving force in getting things straightened out, lined up and gathered together.

I will try and post some pictures of my trip tomorrow. We had the most amazing time. Most. Amazing. MOST!

Home

2011-12-30T19:18:00.000-08:00

I'm home.

My voice was left somewhere close to the border of California and Oregon.

I had THE BEST time I've ever had on a trip. EVER!

I'm kind of sad that it's over.

I'm going to bed.

See you tomorrow.

Boxing Day Guest Post

2011-12-26T23:27:00.000-08:00

My sister posted this for me on my other blog, so I've copied and pasted it here for your reading enjoyment...

Hi! It’s Shannon posting for Darcy. I’ve had a couple ~~bottles~~ glasses of wine and a lot of turkey so do take your chances in reading!

Darcy and Sam are currently in a fancy-pants hotel in San Francisco….well….they aren’t actually IN the hotel right now, they are on their way to The Cheesecake Factory for a late dinner. (I am on the sofa in my pajamas drinking red wine and eating chocolate….in case you were wondering)

They’ve had gorgeous weather and lots of laughs and frivolity while the rest of us
have been dealing with relatives, leftovers and heartburn.

Today they went on a 2 hour bus tour that extended itself to a freezing cold and unwelcome 6 hours due to a smash up on the Golden Gate Bridge….probably less fun for the participants of the pile-up than for Darcy & Sam but they were unimpressed and frozen nonetheless.

Tomorrow they are heading for some district in San Fran that I didn’t bother trying to remember the name of but it sounded similar to some famous Cuban dictator. Anyway, apparently there is yarn there and Sam was going to buy underwear. Like I said, I’ve had some wine, so that could be a bit inaccurate as far as usable information goes.

Before Darcy revokes my password and rights to post here, I’ll leave you with some pictures from their trip.

Cheers!

2011-12-25T14:35:00.001-08:00

Haven't knit a stitch still. Having a blast. Here is a pic to tide you over

Not one

2011-12-23T23:03:00.000-08:00

Not one stitch knit. Didn't even take the knitting out of the back seat. Huh!

Having fun tho!

Enough? (Duplicate post)

2011-12-21T19:28:00.001-08:00

I have just spent a week worrying about what items to bring to work on in the car and in the hotel for our trip… I think I finally have it figured out
Yarn and sweater in progress
Fingerless mitts that I cast on last night
Round silk scarf that is cast on
Yarn to make replacement pair of mittens cause I lost one
Yarn to make another pair of mittens and maybe a hat (in two colors)
Yarn to make yet another pair of mittens or maybe just a hat
33 pairs of circular knitting needles of varying lengths and sizes (not including the three pairs in the knitting in progress
11 crochet hooks of varying sizes
Around a dozen sets of dpn needles in varying sizes
Sewing kit with eight darning/sewing needles, two dozen stitch markers and other paraphanalia

I’m worried…. is that enough? Well, I guess if it isn’t, I can always pick up more yarn in San Fran.

Ruined

2011-12-21T15:42:00.001-08:00

Okay, so it's no secret on here that I go see an accupuncturist named Dr. Ed. I've declared him at the top of my list of people that helped to save me this summer. He knows my innermost thoughts, fears, anxiety and hopes for the future. He's more than a practitioner at this point, he's my friend. I'm excited to tell him news and events that go on in my life and I know that if I'm having a bad day or in need of some soul help/cleansing, he's the guy to go to. His office is one of the few 'safe places' that I had this year and I protect it vigourously.

I've told Dr. Ed that I only refer him to people I know that I would feel comfortable with them knowing that I go there. I've referred him to a couple of people and held back his contact info to many. He understands this and equally protects my privacy and safe place. I believe we all need a safe place...

So today, as I was referring him to someone I did feel comfortable with knowing, I heard footsteps running up behind me and one of the new-ish girls here ask me if I said 'Dr. Ed'. It was at that moment that my stomach started to turn inside out and I wanted to hit the rewind button a million times. Yes, I said. Dr. Ed. Well, then she wanted to discuss him, asked what he and I talk about, how long I'd been going etc... It's my biggest nightmare. I don't want random people I know in my safe place. I don't want her to mention to him that she knows me (which she certainly doesn't know a thing about me) and for them to even for a nanosecond discuss that they both know me. I don't want Dr. Ed to say what a wonderful person he thinks I am (which I know he would because he loves me, as he's told me many times).

I sent him an email the second I got back (running) to my desk. Please remember you are my safe place. Please deny knowing me. Please don't speak, whisper or breathe a word about me to someone else. Please please PLEASE don't show even a crack in the armour of my safe place that someone else can climb into.

This situation is absolutely terrifying me for reasons unknown and potentially irrationally. My mind is split between never going there again and knowing that I'd never give up that relationship. There's a tearing feeling in my heart that I've ruined something pure and special and that it will never be the way it was ever again. I've never protected something so ferociously as I protect my Dr. Ed space and now I don't know what to do.

What do I do?

Sad :(

Girlfriend

2011-12-19T13:48:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday To Me!

2011-12-19T09:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my best birthday ever! Well, maybe not ever, I don't remember many of my little kid birthdays but in the last few years, by far the best day!
It started on Saturday, which was the day before my birthday. My friend and I went down to the Button store (shocking, I know!) and played with the bin of buttons for a while and then went over to the discount fabric store next door and planned out some fabric for her to make a couple of skirts.
We hit up the grocery store for some last minute baking ingredients and then we were off to home where we ate the world's supply of macaroni and cheese (bought from a gourmet cheese shop and consisting of emmental, guyere and something else... so delish!). Our baking didn't exactly turn out... It's supposed to be a log and it looks like this:

Needless to say, we are not serving this at the work party this afternoon!

After our baking misadventure, we watched Elf on tv and then I went home.

On Sunday morning I was up with the birds at 6:20am. I may have woken up my sister by sending text message at that hour!

At ten my two friends came over and we headed out to Coquitlam for a birthday breakfast with my mom, grandparents, sister, her man and the three of us. It was very enjoyable.

And then the birthday adventure began. Sam and Kathleen and I decided to go to Horseshoe Bay for icecream.

We came home and had Red Robin for dinner and looked at pictures... the kitty wasn't used to us having company and not having his couch snuggle time so he made do and fell asleep on the counter... on the Red Robin take out bag.

We were in bed by 930... best. day. ever!

:)

2011-12-18T09:40:00.001-08:00

Today I am 33 years old

Random bits

2011-12-15T15:21:00.000-08:00

1. Chocolates make me sick. I can't eat filled chocolates... this makes me sad because even tho I shouldn't eat them, I do like them... until my stomach blows up like a balloon and I get a strong inclination to take my pants off at work... which is frowned upon at most places... especially in health care!

2. I'm addicted to stovetop potpourri... There's nothing I like more than a fresh pot of sliced lemons, oranges and clove stabbed apples with a sprig or two of rosemary and some cinnamon sticks. Through the process of experimentation (read: overwhelming laziness) I've determined that if you top it up with water every day and cook it every day, it will last on your stove for up to two weeks. And it smells super fantastic that whole time!

3. My tattoo is 3/4 healed and I love it more and more every day. It may be a placebo but it's brought me a sense of calm... I've mostly been accused of 'painting it on' and it 'not being real' but those people are what I like to call 'shut up!'. Why would I fake a tattoo??

4. My stomach is currently the size of a pumpkin and I"ve taken one leg of my pants off... so far no one's noticed!

5. I'm all done my Christmas shopping! That's right... ALL. DONE! Now, before you start to firebomb my house, let me just say that I only had two people to shop for this year. My sister and my dad. And my sister's birthday... which incidentally is the same day as mine! Weird right? ;) I bought my sister all very cool things and was so excited for her to have them all that I've suggested we do our birthday AND Christmas exchange sometime before I leave for holidays... Hopefully that works out!

6. I found something really cool that I'm really excited about but I can't say anything about it because it's one of the presents in #5!

7. Saturday I'm going to hang out with a friend of mine and we're going to go to Richmond (remind me to pick up my suitcase!), Dressew, Button Button and then we're going back home to bake cookies and other junkfood style treats for our baking day on Monday.

8. Sunday is my birthday. I've never been less excited about my birthday as I am this year. I'm most excited to give my sister her presents! There's no party this year and no cake or balloons. I'm okay with that. There's also not a single Christmas ornament in my house, not a bough of evergreen or a red velvet ribbon. Not a candle, a cookie or a wrapped Christmas package. I'm actually quite astounded that it's Christmas in a week and a bit...

9. Some how, even tho I've managed to keep my house really clean (okay... clean... really is a bit of an exaggeration) during this time of not feeling too well, the bathroom has evaded my touch... I have no choice but to clean it tonight... and the rest of the house... vacuum, scrub, clean... because tomorrow I'm going to see my beloved Dr. Ed and then I'm making THESE! Chocolate chip cookie bars with a layer of caramel peanut butter inside! I'm going to give the majority of them away... I have two people in particular that I'm making these for... and because they seem fun and I don't have anything else to do on Friday night.

10. I think in the last few years I've actually become a pretty decent cook and baker. I used to be TERRIBLE... as in celery salt in the cinammon buns, light garlic bread on fire terrible. I'm not so bad now and people actually request things I make and/or the recipe for things I've made... it boggles my mind!

11. I lost a mitten from my olive green arm warmers that I made. I don't know how it happened and I'm pretty sad about it :( I have yarn to make another pair, but I wanted two pairs, not one pair and a sad mitten.

12. I made a new cowl last night. Originally I had bought the yarn for a present for my Sam, but then we decided that we weren't exchanging gifts and he didn't want a black anything anyway... The stripe bit of yarn was a skein of core spun handspun that I bought at a craft fair last year... I originally tried to make it into a hat, but it was a bit goofy. It worked perfectly in the gauge of the black yarn (Berocco Peruvia Quick) and I love the look. It's very long... past my waistband, but looks pretty cool in one big loop. It's also (obviously) long enough to loop around twice my neck as a nice warmer. Next time I'd make it a LOT shorter... and I'm not sure how my math went that horribly wrong because I wanted it to be a short thick cowl... it's a long skinny one...

Endeavor to Persevere

2011-12-09T08:35:00.000-08:00

I am absolutely thrilled!

I went back and forth on the orientation of this... the artist said it should be facing away from me, but after some research, soul searching and wearing the design on my wrist on a piece of saran wrap, I decided that I had pictured it facing me and that's how I wanted it.

So glad I went with my gut!

endeavor to persevere

Watch this!

2011-12-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

This is 6 minutes and 58 seconds of your life you'll be glad you spent in front of the computer. And don't forget to Smile!

Impulsive!

2011-12-06T17:25:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here in a tattoo studio waiting for my consultation for my new tattoo. I've wanted another tattoo since my last one healed 15 years ago. I always knew I would feel it when it was time. I never wanted to just pick a design out of a book or choose a random place on my body that seemed like a good tattoo spot. So I waited. A long time. And as I knew would happen, I had the feeling.

I thought about waiting until the 'time was right'. I thought that doing something awesome like a tattoo should be done at the perfect time. Much like I thought I should wait to knit a sweater until I was the perfect size. As we have now discovered, there is no perfect size. And there is no perfect time. Such a time does not exist in life. The only thing that exists is the time that is now.

Tattoos can be used to celebrate milestones, grieve the loss of loved ones or inspire you as you move through life... among many MANY other reasons... the reason to get a tattoo is as unique as the person getting it.

So! Thursday at 5pm, I am getting a new tattoo. I've thought about it, mulled it, asked for advice and input and now it's happening. I'm so excited, I can't wait!

PhotoShoot!

2011-12-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

I met my sister for a coffee this morning and had a stack of handknits to give her. The lighting was... well, let's just say that it was daylight and one can't be too choosey in December in the Northern Hemisphere, so we did a photoshoot in Starbucks.

Winter in Peru Armwarmers (pattern to come)

Lovisa chart on a hat

I'm a Barbie Girl triangle shawl with ribbon tie

Bulky Kitten Hat

All Five of the hats that I've made my sister. Cables, lace, colorwork, pleats and a kitten.

Where do you sit?

2011-12-03T18:05:00.000-08:00

I was sitting at my desk this morning appreciating listening to music, sipping my coffee and pinning things on pinterest... So I thought I'd give a little tour of where I am when I'm doing this...

First an unfettered picture and then below it, captions. Everything on my desk (which is small, so there's limited space) is important to me or has meaning in some way. No room for nonsense clutter in this space!

The Best Thing

2011-12-02T21:57:00.000-08:00

The best thing about knitting is that there are no rules! Oh, sure, you could have told the whole blogosphere (and by that I mean the 13 people who read this occassionally!) that you're obsessed with colorwork mittens... You could have either said straight out or implied very recently that you're going to have a pair of lined, full colorwork mittens done by the time you get to Alcatraz...

And then you can decide that the most important thing for your own well being, mental health and warm body parts is to get out the skein of sale yarn you bought on a whim, remember how much you love it and crank out one half of a pair of arm warmers in about four hours! Yup! You wanna know why? Because there are no rules in knitting! You can do what you want... when you want to... for whomever you want!

I present you my 'I see Machu Picchu' warmers.

If you want the pattern, I would be happy to write it up, just let me know.
These are made of Berocco Cuzco (now you get the name?) in the Olive colorway on Size US 8 needles. The first mitten took 43 of the 100 grams of yarn.
I will get better pictures when the other one is done and I've washed and blocked them both.

And now I'm going to bed because I have been forbidden to nap anymore (omg, I know!) and prescribed an allotted sleeping time of 10pm-6am. Yes, even on weekends.

From my inbox this morning

2011-12-01T08:34:00.001-08:00

It doesn't matter if the path you start down and the path you end on are the same as long as you start down a path.

A Smidgeon Obsessed

2011-11-29T21:38:00.000-08:00

Uh... so I decided to challenge myself by doing something a bit different with my knitting. I my friends, took on colorwork. The first project wasn't that big... just one little fingerless mitt. I figured if I sucked (altho, in knitting, that doesn't really happen to me, thank goodness), I wouldn't be out a ton of time... Then I knit the matching pair and I got good tension, both mittens were exactly the same size and they fit perfectly!

Then I decided to knit a matching hat. There was no pattern for the hat but I winged it, having already knit about 194,693,236 hats already. That worked out too! I mean, I knit the whole thing a bit too small for my head but I'm sure it'll fit 'someone' and the colorwork was just as successful!

THEN, I realized that I wanted to knit a pattern I've been dreaming about since I started knitting. A beautiful traditionally shaped mitten with a gorgeous colorwork pattern in one of my favorite designs in nature... Fiddleheads.

I mean seriously! Look how beautiful! These are not mine, but there's not much to see on mine yet... I did want to knit mine in this exact colorway but the yarn is no longer available. I threw a TANTRUM last week... there was crying and everything! Mine will be a nice light gray background with beautiful teal patterning. And they are lined inside. Mine will be lined with a charcoal gray 100% alpaca, because why the heck not! They're going to be amazing!

Folks.... I'm smitten! I'm only half way through the first mitten and I've already started scoping out Ravelry to find other more wonderful mitten patterns to make!

And now it's up to you.... to let me know which ones you think I should knit next! SO EXCITING!

Finally Finished and Just Started

2011-11-29T10:38:00.000-08:00

Good morning!

Here's a parade of pictures from the hat I just finished. Forgive the quality... living here in Vancouver means that it's dark when I leave for work and dark when I get home... so taking photos is pretty difficult. The hat was very well received and fits perfectly, which I'm so releived about because it was touch and go in my head. I think it's going to be very well used. When my friend tried it on, he only had it on for less than a minute and declared it 'very warm'. It was knit at a very tight guage, partially by accident... that means that even tho it felt like a knitting black hole, it's also very warm and should keep the wind and rain out!

Also, a progress picture of my first Fiddlehead mitten. It's made out of Cascade 220 but it's so soft and squishy thanks to the floats across the back. When I get the alpaca lining in there, it's going to be like heaven on my hands! It's pretty slow going tho... I'm hoping to have the outer mitts knit by the time we hit the road to San fran. I'm going to block them first and then pick up the lining stitches. My plan is that I can knit the lining in the car if it comes to that and then wear them in SF.

More pictures as they grow... they're a lot of fun to knit... each round goes so quick it seems...

On a lighter note

2011-11-27T13:42:00.000-08:00

Thank you to everyone who read and emailed or commented on the last blog. Also to those of you that I had the pleasure of speaking to in person. I'm not very good at showing my weakness, altho from what I understand, everyone has them... even invincible me. Thanks for taking care of that part of me last week!

On a lighter note, I indulged in some retail therapy yesterday. Glenda and I went downtown to go to one very terrible craft fair and one pretty awesome craft fair. On the way we HAD to stop in at Button Button and Dressew of course! The unfortunate part of the entire day was that it was torrentially downpouring on us the entire time and we had to park pretty far away from all the places we went. By the time we got to the coffee shop, we were wet, freezing and starving! Glenda treated me to my first eggnog (skinny) latte of the season and it was divine! The skinny means that it's half eggnog and half milk. The perfect combo if you ask me... I prefer my food and drink to have more of a 'scent' than a flavor so it was nice to have the 'scent' of eggnog but not be consuming piles of heavy dairy/sugar calories!

Anyway, we went to Button Button and sat in front of the big bin digging for 15 cent buttons. We both managed to find some awesome ones and we were pretty lucky to find a decent amount of multiples too!

I also bought some bug buttons. A real crab and a real scorpion suspended in epoxy. So cool! Not sure what I'm going to put them on tho... they're each between the size of a quarter and loonie and they need to be front and center for sure!

We also went to Dressew and I bought ribbon to modify my big pink squishy shawl (which is currently blocking) and some more buttons.

In other crafting news, I've started and gotten about half way on a gorgeous hat for a friend. I somehow managed to convince him that this gorgeous dark cherry red color would be amazing on him and more interesting than black... It really is going to be beautiful and it's very hard to take a color accurate photo so you'll have to forgive me. The yarn is Indigo Moon fingering weight in WestCoast Sunset colorway and it's divine! I'm holding it double to get closer to a light worsted and make sure that there's no pooling or flashing...
The pattern is a combination of a few patterns. 1x1 twisted ribbing for the brim and a P8xKtbl1 twisted 'rib'. I'm knitting it inside out because who wants to purl that much! So I'm knitting 8 and purling 1 through the back loop. The pattern I'm basing the decreases on decreases pretty fast so you have to knit to 6.5 inches from the cast on edge rather than the standard 5" before decreases. I hope this fits... I do NOT want to rip out or redo twisted ribbing... really!

Letting them in

2011-11-25T09:21:00.000-08:00

In the space of a few hours yesterday, I was described by three different people as:

High Functioning

Altruistic

Caring

Nurturing

Good judge of character

Trust worthy

I was also told by two different people that if I ever needed anything, that they would be there for me.

Have you ever heard the hollow statement 'If you ever need anything, just let me know' or 'If you want to talk, I'm here'. Perhaps you've even said that hollow statement. It's not really hollow tho... I think that at least some of the time, the person saying it means it. For about a day. Then they go on to forget that they even offered you anything because everyone has their own 'stuff' going on. Because this is my blog and we're talking about me, you'll forgive me that the next statement sounds somewhat narcissistic. I don't give hollow platitudes. When I say 'If you ever need anything, let me know', it's often followed by 'I know people say that like they say good morning, but I mean it. Anything. Ever. If I don't want to be on the hook for that kind of support then I don't say it. It's not just a nice thing to say, it's a commitment to the person that potentially needs the help, or the talk or whatever.

The problem for me, is I've learned that for the most part, it's a hollow gesture, a platitude and it doesn't mean anything. I've tried to take people at face value for meaning what they say, but I've been burned in the past... not burned as in hurt by it, necessarily, but burned because I'm expecting support and what I often end up with is a pile of THEIR stuff... the way my personality works is that I put myself aside for others... so my seeking of support turns into an offering of support and then I'm more diminished than when I went looking.

This historical pattern and the last four years of being in a negative relationship have meant that I no longer seek help. I no longer want or expect anyone to do anything for me and I do 'it' myself. I've made my bed a luxurious comforting space, I protect my home from negativity and I have a hobby that appeals to the textural comfort that I seek out on a regular basis. I have play lists for my every mood, tea pots and cups for whatever I want at the time, bubbles and candles to make a nice bath and aromatherapy to soothe and calm me. My home is a haven and it gives me strength and power and comfort. Sometimes that's not enough tho. Sometimes the voice in my head says 'I wish someone would save me'. 'I wish someone would come and take over and just let me fall... for a minute...' Seems like a reasonable request but here's where my own psyche throws a wrench into the plans. IF I had a person that would come over, tuck me into my bed and stand vigal while I slept... (which for some reason, even tho it's never ever happened, seems like THE MOST comforting thing), IF I had someone that would come to my house, make tea and chat and giggle and cry and console on my couch... IF I had someone that would go to the ends of the earth to make me feel better.... get this... I would turn them down. I would gather myself before they got to my house... I'd make them tea and ask them about their day. I'd run THEM a bath and have a nest of blankets and pillows on the sofa. It's almost physically impossible for me to let someone care for me.

This in fact happened on Tuesday, from beginning to end and I was shocked in my counsellors office when I told her the story... through my tears and realized that I refused the exact thing that I wanted.

I went to a meeting on Tuesday morning... I ran from my house to my car to the hospital, up 9 flights of stairs, had a somewhat conflicted meeting and then ran down 9 stories and three blocks to my car... By the time I got back to my office, my blood sugar had bottomed out and my appendages were overcooked spagetti. A friend of mine I work with sits right behind me and I mentioned to him that I wasn't feeling that well. And then the scenario that has played itself out over and over in my life played again:

Friend: Do you want me to go to [grocery store across the street] and get you something?

Me: No no, definitely not. I'll be fine

Friend: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, but thank you for asking.

Not a big deal right? Only the second he asked if he could go out of his way to get me something... something that I REALLY needed, I was overcome with guilt and terrified that he might actually get 'it' for me. I'm not helpless or useless and if I needed something from the grocery, I could certainly get it myself, right? I felt that he must certainly think I was 'attention-seeking' and view me as useless. Never want to have a conversation with me again about anything because I would constantly be 'needing' something from him. In retrospect, what a ridiculous reaction. I actually COULDN'T go across the street and get myself something. I said to my counsellor that if he had said 'Do you want me to walk over to the store with you', I would have probably jumped on that. But the idea of me sitting in my chair while someone goes out of their way for me.... to attend to me, makes me feel so uncomfortable that I wished I could disappear. It makes me feel small and useless. And worst of all, I feel that everyone must think I 'made up' my trouble so that I could garner this special attention. The real and rational answer to what was actually happening for him was that he cares about me and cared enough to want me to feel better. To him, ten minutes of his time would have been well spent, caring for another human being. He wanted to do for me the exact thing I would do for someone I cared about. I wouldn't judge a person if they accepted my help. I wouldn't presume them to be useless, helpless or attention seeking. In fact I've gone out of my way countless times for countless people. It's what I want someone to care enough about me to do and when it happens, it makes me feel so awkward that I turn tail and run as fast as I can. And that is a lonely place to be.

So my task is that if someone offers me something that historically I decline because it makes me feel uncomfortable, to accept the help anyway. Not from just anyone, but someone that I trust my relationship with. Because needing help isn't attention seeking. It doesn't mean I'm faking my need in order to gain something. It doesn't mean that I'm helpless, useless or a loser. It simply means that I can not be all things to all people and I can not be all things to myself. According to my counsellor, it's a human condition to need support from your inner circle.

Funny enough, I spoke to my friend last night about this. I wanted to thank him for his kind offer (because I actually was so uncomfortable that I couldn't remember whether I was polite or not) and explain to him what had happened. Part of me being able to trust someone is telling them my fear... the immediate reaction I have, because I believe someone worth my trust will remember. Someone worth my trust and worth bringing in to my inner circle will care enough to remember how uncomfortable it makes me and offer anyway. Know that it's a struggle and want to go there anyway. Someone worth my trust and worth my time will know why I jump to 'I'm fine' and give that little pause... will be okay with saying 'let me help you' and mean it.

What came of the conversation was a realization that I am certainly not alone. 'We're nurturers' he said. We want to help people. We don't want people to help us.

Part of being a high functioning altruistic adult is being a pillar of strength. Of being everything to everyone. Of going out of your way to make others feel good, sometimes to the deterimint of yourself. To always appear in control and ready to take on the next thing. And part of that is neglectful of the basic human need to be cared for.

And everyONE can not be everyTHING to me. I understand that. There are always going to be hollow platitudes. There will always be someone who genuinely offers support but then renegs in order to support themselves. That's okay. But to keep trusting that there are people who care enough about me to WANT to help me. To feel the pull in their hearts to in some small way, make my life fuller, richer and better. Those people are out there... I just need to stop pushing them away when they try and give me what I need... what I deep down, save my life need.

I was also told by two different people that if I ever needed anything, that they would be there for me.

At the end of the night last night, I felt like I heard and understood... trusted that these two people genuinely meant what they said. And even if it might feel like foreign territory... something to run from... I will try to let them both in...

Music for the Soul

2011-11-24T15:41:00.001-08:00

I've never really been 'into' music. Not that I don't like it, I love it, but I've never followed bands, gone to concerts really, and I always only like main stream stuff. Not because the alternative, less than main stream stuff isn't good, but because I'm a bit lazy and I'm not interested in 'discovering' anything... My music is brought to me by the radio... can't get much easier than that. I listen to two stations and genres of music. Mainstream 'pop' (think Bruno Mars, Rhianna, Kelly Clarkson... I can't think of a single other artist at the moment) and mainstream 'new country' (think Toby Keith, Rascall Flatts, Sugarland, Lady Antebellum).

The music I download is primarily based on my exposure to this music by the radio... I'll buy a whole album sometimes of the artist that I like (Dean Brody, Jason Aldean) but hardly ever venture out of my comfort zone.

I've been mocked relentlessly in the past for being musically stunted and I honestly don't care. It's where I feel at home, mostly the country and like comfort foods, I have comfort songs. So, that pretty much outlines how much of a musicphile I am, which brings me to my question.

When you hear a song... that you know and love, and turn it up and sing along, why can it heal you? What in that music can make you feel? And for those of you that do this and know that you can't really sing well, what is it about belting out a tune, out of key that makes you feel good inside?

The reason that I ask is sometimes, when I'm feeling especially shitty, I sit in my car before I go in and sing along to a song that comes on the radio. I sing at the top of my lungs and my heart and soul are filled with what feel like tiny bubbles of happiness. I'm not a good singer. I'm not terrible and I've been known to be in singing groups in the past, but I don't practice and I'm certainly no soloist. But certain songs, at a certain volume, in a certain moment give me a glee that is not usually present these days.

They say music heals the soul and I have no reason to believe that that isn't inately true. It wraps around you like a warm blanket and for a moment, you can lose yourself in the comfort of a story you've heard a million times. Does it matter that it's a song played 100 times a day on a radio station that doesn't measure up to the standard of a real audiophile? Not to me.

What song do you sing along to at the top of your lungs when you're alone? How does that experience make you feel?

Duplicate

2011-11-20T21:29:00.001-08:00

One of those lazy days where this entry is the exact same as the one on my other blog... Sorry Shanny!

Yesterday Shannon and mom and I went pottery painting for our birthday ‘event’. It was a lot of fun and while I do in fact have ‘before’ pictures, they will not be available until we have the ‘finished product’ pictures… some of the pieces are hard to visualize

Then we went for lunch and to my friend Sharon’s art studio to say hi. When we were driving there, I took my iphone out of it’s knitted cozy so we could text to see if she wanted anything. I wasn’t really paying attention when we parked, and I threw my phone into my purse and popped out of the car. When I got inside, I wanted to take a picture and noticed that my phone wasn’t in it’s warmer. Again, not really paying attention, we went back to the car, drove off and went home.

Today I went to that same area with Sam and mentioned that I thought my cozy was lost on the street… I went looking for it, not expecting much… and you’ll never guess what I found… in the gutter, almost completely covered in leaves and debris was my sweet little phone cozy. I was so excited (and also trying not to get run over) that I didn’t take a picture of it in situ.

There’s not much wrong with it other than it was dirty and the pretty pearl button was squashed flat. I brought it home, picked all the leaves and debris off it, removed the squashed button and gave it a bath. It’s currently drying on the radiator in my room, but otherwise it’s good as new! This is a picture of the new matching button that wasn’t run over a whole bunch and a picture of the button that WAS run over a whole bunch.

Next up on the list of updating is that I finished the matching hat to my Lovisa mittens. It worked out perfectly and I STILL have more of that purple yarn left. I may save it for something very special because I really like the color!

And finally I would just like to say that I put flannel sheets on my bed for the first time since I’ve had this bed. That’s about 12 years of having the world’s comfiest bed but being terrified to put flannel sheets on it… only because I was scared it would be TOO comfy and I wouldn’t want to get out.

Well, this morning, I was talking to Sam and the only way I could think to describe the amazingness of the sheets was ‘It’s like someone made the fluffiest, softest chocolate cupcake and then cut it in half and stuck me inside! I think I hear it calling me right now!

Patty Cake

2011-11-17T07:42:00.001-08:00

Exciting

2011-11-17T07:12:00.000-08:00

Those glorious days that you get up at the crack of dawn... shower and do your morning ritual while everyone in the world is still asleep... Give your pet a snuggle and realize he's softer than usual because it's earlier than usual.

Outside into the exciting dark morning where the silence is still undisturbed... That beautiful feeling of getting up early to go on a trip or adventure somewhere... something so fun that you have to get such an early start!

Oddly, this does not feel the same when you're up this early for work :(

I've been here since 6:30... A.M!

Secrets.

2011-11-16T11:45:00.001-08:00

I really hate them. I mean REALLY HATE THEM! I don't like to have them and I don't like others to keep them from me! I don't want to have my own and I certainly don't want to know yours...I don't like having to watch what I say in case I accidentally tell. I don't like how sometimes lies of ommission are necessary in order to keep the secret. And I don't like to be alone in knowing. Whether it's good or bad is neither here nor there... if it's good, then I want to tell everyone, and if it's bad, then I want to tell someone!

When I have happy secrets, it chews me up inside... I want to share my happiness with everyone I can see... whether I know them or not! I feel I might implode from the sheer exuberance...

And when I have a not so happy secret... well, the only thing I can say that I like about secrets, and really, it's pretty convoluted to call it 'liking', is that when I finally tell someone, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel like a puppy after a bath... like there's nothing that can weigh me down... I feel like a bright light has been shone on every dark corner of my life. One little secret can turn my insides to hamburger...Can make me feel that I'm fighting the world alone and that not a single person would understand. And telling that one little secret... that can give me the freedom from my self imposed jail.

I told a secret I've been harbouring for some time and all of a sudden it doesn't seem so insurmountable. It doesn't seem as scary and it doesn't feel like it will kill me. Telling a secret doesn't make it go away... but it makes you part of a team again... instead of a one man (well, woman) show.

The thing about secrets tho, is that you keep them for a reason. There's a reason that everyone doesn't know everything about you. I intentionally keep secrets from some people in my life. Not because they're not worthy of knowing, but because historically, the situation becomes all about them, and there's no room in my life for that anymore. I refuse to let my experiences be robbed from me by someone else. In fact, when I thought this blog address got out, I was very concerned. I mentioned to a friend that it felt like I had been stripped of my clothes and shoved out the door. I do give this address out to people that I know in real life... however I'm very specific about who those people are. It's a well guarded 'secret' actually... not so much secret as priviledged information... because I'm not secretive about the fact that I have it, I just don't give the link out...

How do you feel about secrets?

Blocking... not just for lace

2011-11-13T14:54:00.000-08:00

I embarked on a new knitting journey last night. I'd had my eye on these mitts for a while now and finally just jumped right in. These are my first colorwork project (besides striped hats) and I have to say, it was somewhat enjoyable. To be fair, there are only 11 rows of colorwork, but it was a good sized chunk for a newbie like me.

I really liked them when they came off the needles and I was wearing the one around all night last night. Then I looked at the rest of the projects on Ravelry and realized that blocking would do wonders! So I blocked the right mitt while I was knitting the left mitt. I have pretty even tension, so I wasn't sure it would even make a difference...

See for yourself!

Project Details:

Lovisa Armwarmers (Rav Link)

Debbie Bliss Cashmerion Aran

Madelinetosh Tosh DK in Flash Dance

Knit on US6 needles.

Details on Mods HERE (Rav Link)

Bad Words Ahead

2011-11-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

WARNING!!! WARNING!!! There are bad words ahead... not my bad words, but bad words!

But if you consider that these people are probably in their early to mid-thirties, you can read with the indignation they have in your head!
Linked from here.
And may I just say before you dive into the hilarity that I've hand picked for you:
Mine was Red, Shannon's was Wembley and MINE is ranked higher!! Also, I thought it was Count Dracula? Count von Count? Seriously??

30. Janice

29. Elmo

28. Abby Cadabby

27. Rizzo the Rat

26. Boober

25. Lew Zealand

24. Floyd Pepper

23. Count von Count

22. Wembley

21. Scooter

20. Snuffleupagus

19. Sam the Eagle

18. Zoot

17. Gobo

16. Crazy Harry

15. Miss Piggy

14. Big Bird

13. Grover

12. Gonzo

11. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

10. Kermit

9. The Swedish Chef

8. Red

7. Dr. Teeth

6. Rowlf the Dog

5. Fozzie Bear

4. Cookie Monster

3. Beaker

2. Waldorf & Statler

1. Animal

Grover is 13th??!? Are you FUCKIN' NUTS!!?!? And where the fuck are Bert and Ernie?? And Oscar??

What kinda fucking list are you running here???

The near and far sketch alone should have gotten Grover into the top 10.

What the FUCK? I don't even care that much about the muppets but even I know this is ALL sorts of wrong. I don't even know where to begin. Fucking crazy!

I cosign the indignation over Grover's abysmally low rank. Grover is the mutherfukking JAM

Fuck you, Elmo is the greatest.

The Count at 23? Ha, ha, ha, ha! Your ass must be crazy!

(Tell me you didn't think of the previous sentence in the Count's voice. I rest my case).

Total cluster, you cannot combine Muppets with Fraggle Rock and Sesame Street into a single top 30 list. Blasphemy.

Yeah, I've thought about it, and with Oscar not even on the list, there's no way this list can be taken seriously, so it doesn't even bother me that you were so very wrong in your Grover ranking.

I am gonna light the torches and start sharpening the pitchfork for some of the inclusions and omissions. here we go...
FRAGGLES DO NOT FRIGGIN' COUNT! It was a show that could only be fully appreciated by those of us eating Funyuns & Mountain Dew while fanning out our basement dens- if you know what I mean.

Bunsen and Beaker belong on the same spot together as Statler and Waldorf did. Without Bunsen Beaker would have forever been a names background chorus Muppet.

No Ernie and Bert? Really Dustin? I didn't know you were a closeted member of the 700 Club.

Artificially inflated success aside, the only list that goddamn Elmo belong on is; "Top Muppets We'd Like To See Detonated By Crazy Harry" along with Abby Cadabby , Zoe, and The Fraggles.

No Telly Monster? Okay, He's not my favorite Muppet Monster, but if you're going to have the newer Sesame Muppets on this list, I think he's a stronger staple.

No Two-Headed Monster? For Shame.

No Yip-Yip Martians?!?!?!!?!?! I'm tasting bile now.

No Mannah Mannah? I say again, NO MANNAH MANNAH?!?!?!?!?!!? WHAT. THE. BLUE. FUZZY F#(%?!?!?

No Oscar the Grouch? Now I grant you he should have been named Oscar the Prick. But let's be honest here. What other Muppet could keep his job by being an asshole?

Where's Robin? He might not have been the greatest Muppet (or even Muppet frog) but he still ranks higher than some of the twits you put on here.

The FUCK!?

Okay, you're including Fraggles in this list (which I'm still not convinced you should) and Mokey doesn't get a mention?

I was going to marry that Fraggle one day!

NO NO NO NO NO
How in the holy hell is Grover only #13 and Oscar not mentioned at all?
Grover's bits as the forgetful waiter with the guy with the "beady eyes and big blue head" ("My eyes are not beady!") and as the door-to-door salesman selling things to Kermit he doesn't need ("You sold me a toothbrush and I don't have any teeth! LOOK!" / "Kermit, close your mouth.") are pure genius.
And Oscar? I'll sing you a song that I think is tops. Keep up this racket? I'm calling the cops!

I didn't realize how invested I was in the muppets until I was scrolling the list. I was ready to rage and then I saw Animal is #1 and all is right with the world.

Man, I am so pissed off that Ernie and I didn't make the list. I don't even know half these Muppets when I see them on the Street these days.
Don't even think of coming to poker at Hooper's today. Oscar and Guy Smiley will seriously knife your ass.

Posted by: Bert at November 1, 2011 10:45 AM

Grover sucks? GROVER SUCKS?

Please take your medication. You are experiencing a psychotic break

High Output

2011-11-02T21:25:00.000-07:00

I've been in a high output of knitting sort of way. Never mind the fact that the hat is at a gauge of 2st/1" and the mittens were sort of a pet project and also didn't take very long due to the gauge and how little of a project they actually are. I'm thinking of giving up my insane hat knitting addiction and starting on mittens! My next pair have pom-poms. That is all I"m telling you now!

In the meantime, would you like to see some pictures? Okay!

The hat is knit based on a friend's 'pattern'. I'm sure she won't mind me telling you what it is. Get a pen, I'll wait... .... ..... Okay?
Cast on 41 stitches (39 if you happen to have a needle to work in the round at the gauge you're knitting) with super bulky yarn. I used Lana Grande. I've seen people use Lion Brand Wool-Ease Thick&Quick. Knit in 2x1 ribbing (kkp) for a few (four or five) rounds. Knit flat until it's the right size for your head and then three needle bind off. Voila! On mine, I wanted the kitten ears more pronounced because hey, if you're going to have a kitten hat, go all the way! So I tacked the ears to ensure they were kitten-y at all times. Please ensure you ignore the hideousness of the picture and the fact that the brim looks funny because my foam head is too small!

The mittens were sort of a zombie mixture of my own pattern and an existing Knitty Pattern. I wanted them to be knit flat and folded over and Glenda and I worked out that they should have a curved flap. I love that they're doubled and I tacked down both the inside and the outside of the flap. They're pretty awesome and I like to make kitty claws and paw at people with them on! I'm sure I'll demonstrate were I to ever see you in person! Made out of a little less than one ball of Rowan Kid Classic. Love love LOVE that yarn! There's a matching hat on it's way too....

What's your favorite part about writing? (NaBloPoMo)

2011-11-02T10:20:00.000-07:00

My favorite part about writing.... Well I've never considered myself a 'writer' but I saw the following phrase online the other day and you can sub out running for writing.

If you run, you're a runner.

Seems simple written out like that doesn't it? If you knit, you're a knitter. If you write, you're a writer. If you bake, you're a baker. There's no prequalification to 'become' these things. Yes, there are grades and levels of people who do these things. Professionals if you will. But if you run, you're a runner. If you write, you're a writer.

I've just recently been told that I'm a 'good' writer. I don't particularly agree, and I'd have to say that when I compare myself to good amatuer writers I don't even come close. My sister on the other hand, very good. She proof reads important things that I have to write. I aspire to be as good a writer as those who's blogs I follow. I strive to get better... sometimes I even proof read my posts before I hit 'publish'. (most often than not tho... I like the raw unedited version that flows from my mind to my fingertips.)

I like that you can be whomever you want to be when you write. I personally choose to be the raw and mostly unedited version of myself... I have a huge creative streak in me but not much in the way of imagination. I like to live in physical prescense of now. My dreams involve attainable, buildable things. I'm not into 'fantasy'... I"m in to putting my thoughts and feelings and creative drive into things that will happen, or could happen. I'd prefer to talk about my desire to be a goat farmer than something that has no possibility of happening. But I like that I can be real and honest and someone else can be fantastical and dreamy and someone else can be theoretical and someone else can be whatever they want to be.

So I guess my favorite part about writing is that to each writer it can be whatever you need or want it to be. It's not static and there are no rules. What's better than that!

Before/After and Mittens!

2011-10-31T21:08:00.000-07:00

In keeping with my last post, which suggests that there are things I CAN do that will help in preventing 'failure-itis', I've made a pair of mittens and organized my spice rack. First, my spice rack... I use the term 'rack' loosely. It was two cardboard boxes in my pantry overflowing with zipper bags and jars and containers full of spices. I do like to cook but I HATED going into the 'area' and looking for something. More often than not I'd buy new apparently because I sure had some duplicates in there! So taking inspiration from Tara, I asked a friend of mine to save me about two dozen baby food jars and I made myself a neater and more user friendly spice storage solution. The original plan was to use scrap booking paper and spray paint and magnets, but when it came right down to it, I couldn't wait to get everything I needed together to make the spices look nice, I just had to get it done. So I went as basic as possible and printed cute tags off the printer, hand wrote the labels and voila! It makes the pantry much less offensive and it looks kind of cute too... I threw out all the rest of the bags and bags of spices I had because baby food jars hold a LOT and I knew by the time I was done with what was in the jars, the extra would have been stale and unuseable so I saved myself some time! I did keep extras of curry and chili powder because I use a disgusting amount of each of those!

And then I made myself some mittens. In my never ending quest to make sure i"m warm enough in Alcatraz, I'm knitting myself a matching toque and mitt combo. I couldn't find mitts I liked enough so I made up my own pair. They're knit flat and then I'll sew them together. The nice thing is that due to the 'design' (I use the term loosely), the top of the hand will be double layer knit and the palm (where it's always warmer) will be single layer. I effed up the thumbs on both and they currently don't even match but I"m not so sure I care! The buttons are vintage... brass with white enamel and tiny shank style red ones that have a liquid soap/herringbone' type pattern on the top.

HI

2011-10-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

What I CAN do

2011-10-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I talked about all the stuff that makes me feel like I'm failing at life... Thanks to my many most wonderful and supportive friends (and my most most MOST amazing sister), I decided to look at what I CAN do. Perhaps being a size 3 isn't in the cards for me right now, but that doesn't mean that I can't do other things to make myself feel better.

Thing I can do #1. I can tell people who love me how I feel and then let them talk some sense into me. I can let them explain from their own point of view and own experiences what it means to keep trying. I can be so glad that my friends are honest and I can certainly stop referring to myself (even if it's in a round about way) as a dog!

Thing I can do #2. I can continue to appreciate my body and keep drinking a lot of water, stop drinking coffee (except on the weekends... give a girl a break!), not eat sodium filled junk (which I didn't do anyway!) and make myself lunches and breakfasts and dinners. I LIKE making my breakfast and lunch. I feel accomplished when I make my breakfast and eat it at my desk.

Thing I can do #3. I can take vitamins and mineral supplements in order to feel more vibrant. I can recognize that part of why I feel so fucking tired all the time is because I gave up meat... I'm a chronic anemia sufferer! Holyhowstupidareyou! I bought and have taken now my liquid iron which I KNOW from experience will make me feel better. I also bought Florasil, even tho it's expensive because it makes my hair and nails nice!

Thing I can do #4. I can keep my house clean because I like it clean. Not because someone expects it from me and I don't need to resent cleaning because I resented it in the past.

Thing I can do #5. I can quit griping about cold sheets and bust out my oh so beloved hot water bottle in it's very own wooly custom cover. I've been moaning about not being able to use it all summer... This will make me happy to go to bed earlier... which will help feeling tired all the effing time!

Thing I can do #6. Sometimes majority rules. No one else seems to think I'm an epic life failure... I can go with the majority and presume that I"m being a bit harder on myself than I need to be. It's not all about weightloss (the blog post before this)... I'm good at a lot of things and I'm successful at a lot of things. Perhaps I will start concentrating on those!

Thing I can do #7. Actually take one piece of this advice below and use it... Shanny... I think the WW thing is a good idea and I'm clearly getting no where with the Zone... now that WW has more of what I like about the Zone, perhaps it's worth a try...

And now, because I think these deserve to be read again and again, the comments from my friends and sister. (which I edited for grammar and punctuation ;) )

I just want to day before I get to the comments that at every other time in my life... EVERY. OTHER. TIME. in my life, it has been me giving the advice. It has been me that people have seen as strong and bulletproof. Me that isn't crying when the person on the other end of the phone is. IT. IS. HARD to move to the other side. I take care of everything. I don't need anything from other people. Disappointments are used to strengthen and the parts that don't strengthen are discarded. This somewhat whiney, irrational, low self esteem person that you see on here sometimes... wandering aimlessly and looking for help... that isn't a person I recognize... that makes everything much. much harder.

You know when you get a sunburn and you think you're fine... it hurts a bit but nothing too drastic... and then you wake up the next morning in excrutiating pain? And the next morning barfing your guts out because not only did you have a sunburn but you also got sunstroke?
THAT is what coming out of this chapter of my life feels like. I thought I escaped unscathed. Then I felt scathed. Then I felt a bit better and lo and behold, there's more hurt and more pain and more damaged things that I didn't even know were there to be damaged in the first place. It haunts me, it taunts me and it makes me feel terrible! It's affected every corner and crevice of my life... like a poison. I guess thing I can do #6 is right... perhaps I should cut myself a bit of slack... it's not like I got back from a vacation in Hawaii... I rescued myself from an abusive relationship... Huh!

My friend Tara:
I will guarantee you that Shannon and Tara and Sharon ALL had setbacks. (If any of us say we didn't, then we're lying.)
Each one of us, through our journey to make change, have all hit a spot much like the one you're at right now where you're not feeling like a rockstar and you want to curl up in bed and give up.
It sucks ass.
Personally, I think it's ok to wallow in it a bit. But only a bit. Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling - because that's valid. But while you're feeling it, try to be aware of how it came about and how it feels. Then, pull your shit up and get back on track. Maybe the same track, maybe a slightly different one, maybe a totally different one altogether.
Just keep going.
I happen to know that you are a smart, determined, vibrant woman who WILL be successful.
You've been through something really big and getting past it is going to be equally big

My friend Jo from the UK:
'Does this make me a failure?'
Pretty sure it makes you human, sweetie.
The good times were real. Doesn't mean what you're feeling now is any less real, just means you can be fairly safe in the knowledge that what you are feeling now is not going to last forever. You've had a hardcore kinda year and it's going to be tough to deal with all the time. Taking a few steps back is not the end of the world when you think about the leaps forward you have already made. Think about the things that managed to pull you out of this last time (relying on friends, keeping busy, starting a new hobby etc etc) and see if you can recreate some of them to see if it helps. But don't punish yourself if you don't feel up for it just yet or it doesn't work immediately.

As for knowing when you're ready? You won't. Something will just click. I've been battling with my weight for a long time - when I'm happy I eat and get fat, when I'm not happy I starve myself and get thin - it's not healthy. Somewhere a few weeks ago, something just clicked and I'm eating, but healthily and I'm loosing weight and it's not hard right now. Is it going to last? I don't know. Will I punish myself if it doesn't. In all honesty, probably, because I'm human. But I'll survive it. And you will too and people will be amazed by how you've done.

My friend PJ from Cali!
I have a serious problem with the phrase 'Don't reward yourself with food. You are not a dog'. Humans, in every culture, for thousands of years, have celebrated with, for, and because of food. When we first started out, the reward WAS the food that was tracked and hunted over the period of days. Not only is it trying to override a basic human instinct (hey, animal instinct), but it is subconsciously removing the joy from food, by not allowing yourself to celebrate with it. When are you supposed to have food? Only when you're sad, upset, lonely, bored? That's far more dangerous.

There is NOTHING wrong with saying "I'm really proud of how hard I worked on that project, I will stop by my favorite bakery after work." Just like anything else, all good things in moderation. Rewarding yourself by eating 13 cupcakes? Not good. Thinking you deserve a reward every time you do the most menial task? Slow down. Telling yourself "no, I'm not a dog", what a sad, pitiful way of looking at your self. You deserve better.

My sister who I love more than anything!
Dude, woah down. You are not a failure. You're still living life and getting up every day and making a mark in the world. Maybe it's not the mark you wish to be making right now but that doesn't make you a failure! You're not failing at life...you're living life...and no one, not one time, not ever, said that it was going to be easy.

Furthermore, in the worst year of my life, I did not keep going. I sat. And snacked and cried and then got up and went outside. I walked the dog and cleaned the house and did all the things that you do every day (minus the dog, of course). When the skies cleared a little I took the opportunity to push like crazy to gain a little back. And then I crashed again (literally this time, hit the dirt) and everything came to a halt again.

It's what happens. Tara can probably say exactly the same thing. The nuts and bolts of it are that my year kicked the living shit out of me....but what choice did I have but to keep going. It didn't feel good every day, some days felt like death. Just. Like. Yours.

You just keep going and make the best of the situation and treat yourself right as often as you can.

If it's weight loss you're most concerned about, if that's how you wish to reshape your life right now....perhaps it's time to shelve the Zone and try something else, something that works with you instead of you trying to work it. If you want my WW membership (the online app) on your phone, I will keep paying for it on my credit card and you can pay me back.

Like Tara said...feel whatever you feel, recognize it and validate it....but since you are a strong successful woman surrounded by the same, you then pull your shit up and get going. It is NOT going to be any easier tomorrow.
AND
PS. This comment you make here: "What if you stick to the one thing and go on and on, trying to FORCE it to work for you? Is that better than giving it up?"

That is the definition of crazy. Why would you stick to something that isn't working and try to FORCE it to work for you? Why would you keep doing the same thing over and over when all signs point to the fact that it is no longer effective for you?

Find something new! CREATE something new. Don't try to force what worked in the past to work for you again, it's possible that that door is closed. Find a new door.

It is not reasonable or conceivable that you are destined for complete life failure. As in, will never succeed, doomed forever, can never have what you want.

I guess if you quit trying that's what you get. But you take a break, catch your breath and then PUSH. Don't break for too long, just long enough to muster the energy for another push.

To use a spinning reference....you crank up the resistance until you almost can't push the pedals. It's heavy and it's hard and it seems impossible. And then you take a deep breath, dig deep and give it a burst of power and pedal faster.....and you know what? It gets easier. Momentum, darling. Big breath, burst of power, pedal faster. Break and breath, repeat. Same with life.

And my friend Kerri just a second ago:

ummmm.... I have one word to say (to start anyway, lol)on this.
GRIEF.
change and struggle are about grief.
Your summer elation? real. the dumpy dumps you feel now? real.
as we move through experiences and arrive at the other side, we immediately try to re-orient to the new reality. We create unrealistic expectations and hold our selves to impossible standards and we forge the first rule of self: compassion.
if you make a decision (i.e. A Zone Diet or Bust), and it turns out to not be the right decision.... bingo bammo, you can make a different decision.
You are the expert on you. You know all your dirty tricks, you know what makes you smile inside with joy and pride (yes pride, NOT a dirty word btw).
Seek the places you are most creative and DO YOUR ART. whatever that is (knitting, blogging, you get the picture) and EMBRACE it.
the mere act of CREATING, will propel you forward in the direction you are meant to be traveling.
Back to the grief thingy. its kinda like the saying "where ever you go, there you are". the only way through is.... through. I know, who made up that dumb rule eh?
Even if the dramatic change you went through was a positive one (yes, oh yes it was!) you will still grief its loss. Know each tear you shed (in whole foods or your pillow) is one less you are keeping inside to roil and rage against your keen spirit of courage.
peace out.
sorry if I sound crazy. I had my flu shot today. Probably mercury poisoning.
xo

Failure

2011-10-26T10:02:00.001-07:00

What defines a failure? There's a poster on Pinterest that says something cliche like 'You only fail if you don't try'. Okay, that's straight up bullshit! I mean, yes, if you don't try, then you fail at what you want. But what about people that try EVERYTHING and nothing works? Does that not make some of those attempts failures? What if you stick to the one thing and go on and on, trying to FORCE it to work for you? Is that better than giving it up?

This thought came about yesterday when I burst into tears in Whole Foods. I went there with a friend with the intention to buy a 'treat'. My self esteem and my self love and self worth and every other 'self' thing was on the ground getting a stomping and I wanted something to make me feel better. Well, there's also a poster on Pinterest that says 'Don't reward yourself with food. You are not a dog'. I think there should be one that says 'Don't console yourself with food'. My friend mentioned that she had signed up online for weight watchers and was having success with it because she felt that if she had to write down what she was eating, she would make sure she wasn't ashamed of what she was writing. She mentioned that she thought that I was doing such a good job on my zone plan and eating breakfast and lunch and not eating out, giving up coffee etc... I said that yes, I did try that but it doesn't seem to stick... and she said something that made me cry in Whole Foods. 'Maybe you're not ready. Maybe you've come out of something so traumatic that you're not ready to make more change. Maybe you should just be happy that you're where you are now and not where you were four months ago'. So what I want to know is 'When are you ready'. When does it stop feeling like you're in quick sand? I feel like in the last few weeks I've been transported back to the sad and dark place that I banished months ago... I had such a beautiful small window of time in the summer that I was unstoppable. I was happy, content and comfortable. Did that not really happen? Was that fake? It didn't feel fake... But what I feel now doesn't feel fake either. I feel like there's a lump in my throat the size of a baseball all the time... I don't want to get out of bed, I'm unimaginative, despondant, disinterested... all those things that remind me of being in a very dark and unpleasant place. Does this make me a failure? I've been given (or have taken for myself) a new path in life... I'm only responsible for myself and I don't have the responsibility of managing someone else and my own self in a way that makes managing the other person easier... Sound confusing? Try living it! Anyway... it's difficult to not feel like a failure... My sister took her life and turned it around when she was unhappy and made herself healthy, happy and thriving... She kept going even through possibly the worst year of her life. My friend Tara is a force to be reckoned with. She makes time for herself within a household of two toddlers and a difficult situation... She keeps pushing and perservering to get what she wants. My friend Sharon surivived last year when her dad died tragically and she's still going, still pushing, still making her life what she wants it. I"m surrounded by strong successful women and I can't get it together enough to not want to cry all the time... feels like failure to me.

Rue!

2011-10-24T22:20:00.000-07:00

I rue cat sand! I rue sleeping in a bed that has a sand box full of sand ground into my sheets. It's gritty and disgusting and as much as I love the kitty, I rue cat sand!!

I rue the smell of curry! I rue that I love love love eating curry but the smell of it mere moments after the last bite makes me gag!!

I rue cold sheets... I rue that I love to (and am required) sleep with the window open but that makes the sheets freezing. I rue the feeling of forcing yourself to flop down on the cold pillow, knowing it will make you tense and cranky when that's. It the way you should feel going to bed!

I rue gauge swatches and my own stupid inability to get my head around making them! I rue that knitting an entire gigantico mitten took more time than a teeny little swatch!

I rue typing on a tiny screen. Even tho I rue it, im not going back to check for mistakes so good luck!

I rue now having to go to bed in my freezing cold, curry scented, cat sand infested bed and I don't even have a mitten to keep me warm because it's big enough to fit my gritty freezing cold THIGH!

Ruuuuuuuueeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Housekeeping

2011-10-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

1. I now have another blog... you're welcome to visit it but I suspect that the times I post there, I will also post that same (similar) post here. That's the trouble with having two blogs... The second one is because I deleted facebook, I needed a place for my family to read. I'm not willing to share this space with people I know in real life (for the most part... there are some of you that I've invited here and I'm glad you're here!) so I made a blog that I could post pictures and other stuff for. Again, feel free to wander over there, but let's try not to leave a cookie crumb trail back to here ;) Let me know if you want the address.

2. I had a rather sad experience last night when I was driving home, down my street and saw a little wee white and gray fluffball of a kitten 'napping' on the road. It made me very sad but also confused because normally I would bawl my eyes out at such a sight... but I didn't cry at all... either I'm more emotionally mature than previously, or I'm a cold hearted bitch... I'm trying not to think about the little fluffy now because I hope the people who's house he lives at took him off the road but if they didn't, then I don't want to think about him cold and wet outside... :(

3. I drank two Granville Island Lions Winter Ale last night... partly in an attempt to feel better about the kitten and partly because I LOVE that stuff! I got up to date on all my pvr recordings and finished making my One Sentence Journal. I love it already, I just need to find a good spot to keep it. Maybe on the passenger side nightstand...

4. This always bears reminding... be CAREFUL what you tell people at work. Not saying that you shouldn't share, but don't forget, especially if you are a woman... everyone doesn't have the same agenda as you! No agenda you say? Well I don't have one either... I also don't subscribe to competitive female bullshit, but some people do and you must NOT forget that!

5. The post from my other website:

Ever want to write a journal but after you write that first sentence, you don’t know what else to say? Well have I got the thing for you!
Take 365 index cards, one interesting box and 12 of anything that is important to you… post cards, scrap book papers, old greeting cards, photographs… And voila!
Well, not voila, but it’s really almost that easy. Stamp (or write) the date (no year!) on each card. Takes a while but it’s really the most time consuming part. After that, you just put them in order, use your 12 important things to divide up the months, and then write one sentence per day, every day. Make sure you start every sentence with the year and then in a few years, you’ll have a keepsake to look back on and see what was going on. Don’t worry too much about what sentence you write. When it comes time to re-read years from now… each of those sentences will be the most important thing on that day. Funny how that works.

If you've ever thought

2011-10-18T17:56:00.000-07:00

I was kidding about how much cards meant to me.... let me show you how I wasn't kidding:

I've never EVER thrown out a card... there's piles more in storage... this stack is from the last few years... I'd love to have a stack of cards as tall as me... They mean more to me than you'll ever really know.

Guess what I'm doing tonight~!

Gargy

2011-10-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

Today is not starting out well!

I put a whole bunch of almond milk in my coffee and I think it was off... it tastes terrible... I'm considering drinking it anyway...

I was eating a Pumpkin Spice Muffin from Whole Foods and a pumpkin seed and little blob of muffin went down the side of my throat and I had to cough so hard I nearly barfed... that didn't help remove it... it's still there...

My house is a mess... I don't know how it happens because I cleaned it on Friday afternoon... but there it is... messy.

I would have liked to stay snuggled in my bed all morning... I've taken the black out blinds off the window for the winter... I enjoy being in bed when the soft light filters through the window...

I did not make my own breakfast, bring snacks or lunch... I feel unhappy about that...

The good things...

I brought my new friend Gargy to work today... (see below). He was a gift from my friend Glenda. I love him! He has pipe cleaners in his arms and legs but I swear he moves them by himself... I pose him and every time I turn around he's reaching for something...

Photo Credit Glenda

I found a very cool project on Pinterest last night (when I should have been sleeping!). Basically it's a perpetual scrapbook of sorts. Here's the link. I'm going to use bigger cards I think... because on some it might be nice to be able to put a picture or a scrap of yarn (if I happen to finish a project that day). Also, I'm not very consice so one sentance might not cut it for me... I'm very excited about it but was thinking of waiting till January 1 to start it... altho I guess I could start it whenever I wanted to... what do you think? Now, or wait? Here's the link.

I would also like to find some happy/sad/neutral face stickers to put next to every day as an indicator of my overall attitude.

New projects fun!

Blast from the Past

2011-10-16T00:45:00.000-07:00

Ever had someone describe you to... well you? It's interesting, funny and inspiring. This is from over three years ago when we failed at attempting to share a blog, but it pops into my head often, so I thought I'd spend some time digging it up and replicate it here for you. We wrote eachothers bio's. If you want to read about the wonder that is 'Shanny', she's Fitty vs Fatty on the sidebar.

*************************************************

PRINCESS DARCY

Darcy is a princess. No doubt about it. She’s everything a princess should be; smart, strong, beautiful and fearless. She doesn’t spend too much time worrying about what other people think. She knows that it’s up to her to create her own happiness and she does it with flourish and vigor.

Princess Darcy has a soft spot for firefighters, teddybears and all things army. She’s athletic and driven but she still knows how to have a good time and does so as often as she can. She’s honest and caring and will tell you exactly what she thinks even if you don’t want to hear it because she only wants what’s best for you. She’s exciteable and emotional and funny. Her take on things can be dry and cynical but incredibly hilarious!

My sister and I can laugh at everything and nothing until we can’t breathe. We solve problems well together and I know that she will be there to back me up 100% of the time. She knows my flaws and faults and she loves me anyway.

My sister is many of the things that I strive to be. She’s my heart, the other half of me. They say that twins have a connection, I don’t know if that’s true. I do know that her soul resonates in mine.

*******************************************************

SHANNY

I was trying to think of something that I could say about my sister that she wouldn’t be saying about me…and what I came up with is: She takes care of me. She’s a warm and friendly person who has never thought twice about leaving work and driving to my house while I’m sick or crying or insane. Maybe she doesn’t like her job that much…it could be that…but I chalk it up to her being a good, kind hearted person who cares about me. I wish she was able to say that about me, but so far I’ve yet to come to her rescue, despite being rescued many times myself.

Shanny works hard at a job she sometimes likes. She has a tendency to get on better with men than women, which is attributed to her not wanting to put up with female competetive bullshit. She’s funny and witty and always makes me laugh. She’s changed a lot in the last year. She’s now proudly a recovering smoker, a partaker of fitness and, although this isn’t different from before, a clothes/shoe horse.

She has a great spirit and together we make one hell of a team….we may even be able to convince you, through our “twin connection” that you’ve taken holidays you don’t remember and done things you don’t actually think you would have.

Oh!and don’t bother pinching her…I can’t feel it! We’re connected at the heart, not the skin cell!

Oh, it's a GOOD day!

2011-10-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

FACEBOOK IS GONE! Out of my life! For good! Good riddance to you! You're a spy and you're fake and dishonest and you don't deserve my time!

Now you're going to have to come here to spy on me, peeps! But you know what? I welcome it! At least what you see here and say here (if you comment) is based on some sort of reality! At least what I write here has context and background... I can't live in a 140 character world anymore...

Okay, so with that out of the way, today is a really good day! I woke up early with the kitty by my side, turned my ipod on to Dean Brody and fell back asleep for a while... how lovely!

After a good lazy morning, I got myself all packed up and went to the Richmond Farm Market for some fruit and vegetables. When I came home I cleaned out the fridge, scrubbed the kitchen and then cleaned out my 'junk' cupboard... Oddly enough, even tho I've been living here by myself for a while now, there's still a lot few crannies that have not been purged yet...

I've just steamed some acorn squash (my first!) and put butter (a bit too much) and brown sugar on it... it's DIVINE! I plan to eat it with purple rice and egg for dinner and catch up on my pvr with my knitting.

Tomorrow is another day and if it's as gorgeous out as today was, I'm going to go down to White Rock and go for a walk... Wanna come?

Pumpkin Ginger Trifle

2011-10-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

Good Morning!

I'd like to share my recipe for Pumpkin Ginger Trifle with you. Apparently it tastes like glamourous pumpkin pie... I say it's very VERY good but it makes a LOT, so make sure you have a lot of people to share it with!

Pumpkin Ginger Trifle

2 chocolate/vanilla swirl loaf cakes (sliced and then broken into pieces)
2 small cans of Pumpkin Pie filling (or one large can)
1 box of Cooked Vanilla Pudding
3 cups of 2% milk
1 tablespoon of Pumpkin Pie Filling
10 Graham Crackers
1/4c Crystalized Ginger (also known as candied ginger. I bought mine in the bulk section)
2 containers of Cool Whip (or no name brand of the same)
Anna's Ginger Cookies (commonly found at Ikea)

Begin by cooking the pudding according to package instructions, adding in the Pumpkin Pie spice to the cold milk.
When the pudding has cooled (doesn't have to be 'cold'), stir in pumpkin pie filling and set aside.
In a food processor or your magic bullet, grind up graham crackers and crystal ginger together until it resembles a crumb/course dust consistency. Set aside.

Break cake into pieces and put half into the bottom of a trifle pan.
Pour (or ladle) approximately half the pumpkin mixture onto the cake. Sprinkle half the graham cracker/ginger mixture over pumpkin.
Spread 1/3 of thawed cool whip (this takes five hours in the fridge to thaw, so plan ahead!) over graham/ginger mixture.
Repeat with remaining ingredients, using last two ladles of pumpkin to top the center of the trifle.
Refrigerate over night.
When ready to serve, dollop remaining cool whip on top and garnish with cookie crumbs or ginger cookies.

The kitty and the beet

2011-10-06T18:19:00.000-07:00

Sort of like the Princess and the Pea? Kinda....
The photos tell the story... but here's a short dummies guide:
Taking pictures of a beet (because I am FINALLY making beet chips)
Get better at taking photos of beet... all done on my iphone mind you!
Kitty sneaks into the photoshoot (on the COUNTER) and makes himself useful
Photographer HEAVES 13lb cat off the counter ON the cardboard, accidentally dumping him about half way down
Kitty acts photogenic.
The end.

This is VERY long... but very worthy!

2011-10-05T15:05:00.001-07:00

This has been sitting in my mind and my heart for almost a week now… I’ve been fighting writing it… first because it was so personal that I was afraid writing it would make it more true… and then because I didn’t know how much I should share on here. I was worried about alarming people as to how bad my situation was. I’ve been pretty candid with some with regard to the real nuts and bolts of my situation, but some I’ve left in the dark in order to protect. Not because I think that my situation is going to negatively impact, but more because no one wants to hear bad stuff about people they care about. In the end I figured out that I really protecting myself.

Last week I was at a Leadership course in which we spent two days discovering our own motivational values and discovering others.

My motivational value system is Blue. Defined as Altruistic-Nurturing. Some words and phrases associated with being ‘blue’:

Being open and responsive to the needs of others

Seeking ways to bring help to others

Trying to make life easier for others

Trying to avoid being a burden to others

Ensuring others reach their potential

Ensuring others are valued

Defending the rights of others

Open, Friendly, helpful, considerate, supportive, enhancing, trusting, socially sensitive, sincere, loyal, compassionate, respectful, humanitarian, being needed, being appreciated.

If you know me even a little bit, you know that the above phrases and wording are written for me. To be fair, it’s situational, but that in a nut shell is how I live my life… at home and at work.

When I’m involved in ‘conflict’, whether internally or externally, the internal experience for me is as follows:

Stage One (mild conflict) Simply be accommodating to the needs of others

Stage Two (medium conflict) Give in and let the opposition have it’s way

Stage Three (severe conflict) Feeling defeated completely

My observable behavior in conflict is

Accommodate others
Surrender conditionally
Surrender completely

That’s a lot of information, I realize. However, it’s important as it relates to the real meat of this post.

My main driving factor in my relationships with others is to do what I can to give them what they need. This is sometimes to the detriment of being able to say no. I enjoy the feeling of being needed, I enjoy the appreciation from others… It makes ME feel good to make others feel good.

While we were in this class, I mentioned to the room that I couldn’t figure out how I was supposed to determine when I was in conflict because I was always ‘the exact same way’. Someone asked if I ever got mad. I said no, because I couldn’t remember the last time I was bounced out of my regular self into a conflicted self, even if for only a moment.

As we went through the rest of the course, the instructor (Matt) promised me an ‘aha’ moment. No moment seemed forthcoming and then we broke for lunch.

As has often happened for me, the epiphany comes with no warning. My subconscious mind is processing things behind the scenes and only when the item is processed enough for my conscious mind to hear it, is it given to me. And in this instance it was given to me in the style of a big bag of bricks to the head/heart!

I alerted Matt to the fact that I’d just had my epiphany. And then I cried. His sincere kindness and the magnitude of my realization led me to explain what was going on.

I had alluded to the relationship in past conversations with him, not really stating what had really gone on (because honestly, who tells an almost perfect stranger intimate details of a relationship, good or bad).

Even I was struck by my reaction… heaving sobs as I put into words what I had only just realized. Almost five years and I had lived almost every day in the state of conflict. Accommodate others. Surrender conditionally. Surrender completely.

I no longer knew how to live in the calm, peaceful and natural state of my real personality. I wasn’t able to say when I changed from my ‘when things are going well’ personality into my ‘conflict personality’ because I was always living in the conflict one.

I realized that someone that was supposed to love me unconditionally manipulated and took advantage of who I am as a person. The fundamental things that make me ME, were distorted and abused. I changed myself so much… accommodating, surrendering, that I turned into a different person.

I remember walking up the path to my house and feeling like I was towing the world behind me. Hoping for the best and refusing to believe the worst.

I remember the physical symptom of ‘surrender completely’. I would let out a huge sigh, my shoulders would visibly fall and that world I was towing behind me was all of a sudden right on top of me.

And the very next day, after he moved out, I felt surreal. Like I didn’t know myself. So I embarked on getting to know again what food I liked to eat, how I liked to keep my house, what I liked to watch on tv. When my ideal bedtime was, my new morning routine, taking care of the kitty by myself.

The thing that Matt mentioned was that while I’m working on getting to know those somewhat superficial (my word, not his) things about myself, it was also time to learn again fundamentally who I am when I’m living in peace. How do I process peaceful situations now. How will I process non peaceful situations. And how will I prevent my innate being from being removed from me… How will I prevent being taken advantage of? I’m a very kind, very giving and very accommodating (for the most part) person and it’s a slippery path to go down because it’s difficult to say no.

We discussed how to be a ‘selfish blue’. How to make sure that I trust myself again. I said I didn’t. I don’t really. I’m terrified that the next person that comes along will erase me again. Even knowing what I know now about the things I won’t tolerate, I still don’t trust me in love.

The instructor said that the two things he asks people to find out if they’re ready to move on to phase 2 (which I gather comes after the stark realization made in phase 1), is if they answer yes to both of the following questions.

Do you love yourself?
Do you trust yourself?

I do love me. I love the me that I am becoming. The mostly vegetarian, go to bed by 9, laugh at nonsense and enjoy my quiet time me. The me that was strong enough and able enough to get out of my relationship when I knew it would never be what it should.

I don’t trust me. I don’t trust me at all. Matt mentioned that now is the time for me. To be selfish and consider myself first, which goes outside of what my normal behavior would be. To know my own limits and to take more time to listen to my gut reactions about things. And to know to trust those gut reactions. To trust myself when myself is saying ‘this isn’t right’ and ‘I don’t want to…’.

He also said that that specific moment was inspiring. I don’t understand that… I’m an ugly crier and I was certainly not feeling inspiring or inspired. But I can see for someone like him, who is very self aware and aware of those around him, how it might be inspiring to see someone’s realization about the past burst the chains around their future.

It was a very enlightening 30 minutes of my life. I feel less crazy… I feel stronger knowing now what I do about my behavior. That I was simply behaving the way I was born to behave. That my reaction to the situation was innate to the person I am. I know now that if I would have realized this earlier, maybe I would still have taken 5 years to remove myself, but I would at least have understood what was happening.

Black Bean and Mushroom Cakes

2011-09-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

Everyone loves a crab cake right? No, I'm asking... I've never had one but I've heard that they're pretty darn tasty. This has nothing to do with crab cakes...

Oh, and before you read on, I'm becoming a better foodie... I remembered to take pictures this time!

I wanted to make my own veggie burgers tonight but then I realized that I had no interest in eating the bun... hard to have a burger with no bun (hard, not impossible!).

So I thought long and hard and came up with a better way to have the 'burger' part that I wanted without worrying about condiments and bun. I give you:

Black Bean and Mushroom Cakes

Chop up approximately 8-12 medium sized Crimini Mushrooms (the brown ones). Once you slice them, go at them with a knife until they're slivers and small chunks.

Finely chop 1-2 cloves of garlic (I used Russian Red and boy did that smell good cooking!)

Saute mushrooms and garlic until browned.

Rinse one large can of black beans. You MUST rinse them.... dump from can into a strainer and shower with water until there's none of that horrid waxy goop left... (THAT is what gives you gas!)

Take a fork and smash up the beans a bit... you want about 3/4 smashed and 1/4 not so much smashed.

Mix your saute'd mushrooms, one egg, less than 1/4c of breadcrumbs, around 1 tbsp of mustard powder and salt and pepper into the beans. (if I had had fresh rosemary, I would have chopped that up into the mixture)

Now, with slightly damp fingers (and keep dampening them during this process), make small patties, about 1.5-2" across.

Heat up your olive oil in a pan (I used the same pan as the mushrooms... didn't even wash it!) and gently lay the cakes into the pan. Cook until browned on the first side, flip and cook until browned on the second side and hot in the middle.

Serve with crumbled goat cheese and a kale salad.

Kale Chips

2011-09-25T18:11:00.000-07:00

Today Sam and I went to the Richmond Country Farms Market. I bought many bags of vegetables, including but not limited to:
Beets
Golden Beets
Swiss Chard
Kale
Spagetti Squash
Purple Potatoes
Roma Tomatoes
Other tomatoes which I can't remember the name of
Eggplant
Russian Red Garlic
Crimini Mushrooms
Multicolored Peppers
Pink Lady Apples
HONEYCRISP APPLES!!!!!

Doesn't that all sound yummy? It's all locally grown... I bought so much I couldn't carry it and it only came to $38!

There are a few things in that list that I've never tried before, one being Kale. If you don't know what Kale is, it's often used as garnish in average sit down restaurants... it's the really curly, sort of rubbery green leaf that sometimes holds your condiments...

Well, it's not only a garnish, it turns out you can actually eat it! One way is to steam it and eat it as a hot side vegetable. One other way is to rip up the leaves, massage them with olive oil and sea salt and let them sit... the salt and oil helps break down the fiber and it becomes a bit less rubbery. The third and so far my favorite way, is to bake it into chips! That's right, KALE CHIPS!

Here's how!

Rip up a few big handfuls of kale. Rip them right off that stalky stem. I did four stems worth. You don't want more than will fit in a single layer on your baking sheet (which you've covered with tin foil).
Wash the Kale. If you have a salad spinner, you can make the chips in a single session. If you don't, you need to do this part first and then let them dry. It's not just 'suggested'... the kale leaves must be BONE DRY before baking. If you have a salad spinner, spin like crazy and then take them out and dry them some more. If you don't have the spinner, you'll need to pat dry, leave, turn, pat dry... you get the picture.... BONE DRY!

Once they're dry, put in a bowl and massage with Olive Oil... I used about a table spoon... you don't need much...Once coated, lay out on baking sheet and then sprinkle with seasalt. At this time, you could use any other seasonings you like... garlic or onion powder, curry, paprika... any and all... I put Trader Joe South African Smoke Seasoning on mine...

Pop into a 350 degree oven for about 12 min, turning half way through... now, here's the tricky part... you want to cook till they're crispy and dark dark green but you do NOT want them to turn brown at all. It's a very small window when they change, so don't wander away...

The other thing I did tonight was to make a salad by softening with olive oil and salt and then I tossed in some sliced mushrooms and purple pepper and drizzled balsamic over the whole thing.

Some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

Four stalks, leaves ripped off

This is the drying time... don't skip this step!

Once they're cooked... they shrink down quite a bit

Salad, all dressed and ready to eat.

Stealing for your own enjoyment

2011-09-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

I stole this from my friend Amber. I don't feel bad about it because she stole it from someone else ;)

Age: 32 years, 9 months, 7 days

Bed size: Enough room for me and the kitty... which is never big enough!
C hore that you hate: Is it weird that I like them all?

Dogs: Kitty... I wish I had two. Current kitty does not share the dream!

Essential start to your day: Stupid Smurfs!
F avorite color: I don't have one... I've discovered that everything I like is a favorite and everything I don't like I hate... black or white what??

Gold or Silver: Silver..

Height:5'10.5"

Instruments you play: I used to play the flute. And the piano. Now I just sing.. poorly!

Job title: Project Coordinator
K ids: NO THANK YOU!.

Lived: Kitimat BC, Prince George BC, Chilliwack BC, Langley BC, Surrey BC, Vancouver BC, in that order.

Motor vehicle:Chevy HHR. I wish it was an Austin Mini!

Nicknames: I don't have any that I didn't give to myself :(

Overnight hospital stays: Yes, once when they thought I had Menengitis... that was HORRIBLE!

Pet peeves: Oh, are we really going THERE?

Quote from a movie:"Remember who you are" by James Earl Jones in The Lion King

Right or left handed: Right

Siblings: Twin!

Underwear: What about them?

Vegetable you hate: I don't hate any of them!

What makes you run late:Dilly Dallying and sometimes the kitty...

X-Rays you’ve had: My knee and my wrist

Yummy food that you make: Well I try and make sure that everything that I make (especially if it's a remake) is yummy. Most things I've made in the crockpot!

Zoo animal: Lives in a zoo

Untouchable Textures

2011-09-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as I was driving home from work, I saw what would seem to some, an absurd connection to my past... A child of about 4 in a stroller, being pushed by her dad, walking along in the rain. Now, from the best of my memory, this never actually happened to me, just my dad and I, walking along in the rain... but that's not the memory that the sight triggered. It was a memory of untouchable textures. Of the feeling of getting home, just a little bit damp... of all the lights in the house being off and the air having a bit of a chill... As tho the house was asleep... resting up for the evening ahead... as the lights turn on, the air warms and my memory goes to my heart feeling full... of love, of comfort and of warmth... As sure as I was sitting in my car I was having this amazing flashback to an untouchable texture of warmth.

Textures are a huge thing for me... Especially soft... soft to me is warm, cozy, loving, inviting... comfort. Soft soothes my soul. It could be one explanation for the many MANY blankets and throws that live year round in my home. For my incurable fascination with toss cushions, and duvets.. coffee mugs (while certainly not soft, they are the epitome of warm)... I've stopped purchasing 'soft' every time I'm feeling down, because it becomes a second job rotating the blankets and coffee mugs, but there I'm drawn.

The other thing that will stop me in my tracks is scent. I'm immediately triggered to warm and happy, cozy and loved with certain smells... Sometimes it's just a whiff on the wind and as I stand, stock still trying to float away into my memory, I'm afraid I'll inhale all the air in the world, trying to get every drop of that smell embedded into my mind and body. I remember the cabin of my childhood, the absolute bliss of being ensconced in my dad's cabin... my mom cooking dinner in our Fraser Lake house after school (a time, which incidentally, I have very very few memories... even tho I lived the first 12 years of my life there... more on that some other time). And the funny thing is that sometimes textures... sights sounds and smells take me somewhere I've never been... to a memory that lives only in my imagination... I like to think that these fictitious memories are of places my mind and soul goes to escape... in sleep... in times of trouble and need... So vivid are these moments, that I'm sure I must be dreaming... And then I go about my life with the attempt to recreate those things that make me feel at home.. a gingerbread candle in my kitchen... soft lighting in the den... piles of soft blankets and going to bed with my slippers on... all things that feed my soul a nourishment that it doesn't get from anywhere else but Untouchable Textures.

In which I ramble and lay out new knitting plans

2011-09-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

A long time ago when I started knitting, I remember saying I wanted to publish my own patterns... that I would get very good at knowing how knitting works and then make my own! Well, I've published a Sock Monkey, a simple shawl and I have a hat pattern that just needs an hour or so and then it will be published.

Not to say that I'm not proud of these, but the shawl was crazy easy and the monkey was inspired by another monkey... the hat is the first real 'original' thing that I dreamt up.... until now!

So remember when I cut that lace wrap in half? Ya, me too! That was a terrible idea in retrospect! However! It gave me the new found LOVE of caplets! Here's why! I'm pretty tall, which means that anything I wear has to be a reasonable size to not look ridiculous! I usually wear a very huge pink cashmere pashmina, which while warm, is not that attractive and because it's a rectangle and super long, it's difficult to move around in... it either falls off my shoulders or my arms get all tied up in it! (yes, I do have issues!). Ergo, the caplet! I'm super warm today and I only have a tshirt and my restyled purple lace wrap. Well pants too, but you know what I mean! So I'm on a mission to make another! I looked through almost all of Ravelry today and didn't find anything that I liked as is. I found quite a few that I liked features of, but nothing that was 'perfect'. Funny how 'perfect' for me is actually a chopped up something else... Anyway, I decided that I'm going to design my own. One of my 2011 goals (of which I've done very VERY few) was to design and publish four patterns...that's probably not actually going to happen at this point, but two is acheivable if I get my butt in gear on the write up of the hat and get this one down. Our KAL for this quarter is to knit lace in a heavier than Fingering weight (guess who MAY have thought that up!). I'm thinking, since I want my item to be both lace and ribbing, (of which I drew a hellishly crappy picture!), I will use the overdyed pink yarn for that instead... I really can't get on board with a baby pink lace shawl... In fact, I'm sort of over shawls... as my friend PJ put it... she got there about a week before me, but I'm there too!

So I'm thinking this would be a perfect time to think about what I want my new cape to look like...

I'm currently working on my sister's hat (16 cable hat) that she 'commissioned' from Glenda, but then I wasted far too much time getting the yarn to her, so I'm knitting it myself. I have a scarf on the needles for a friend that is going in next week to have his prostate removed due to surgery. It's already 2 feet long which is good because it's only going to be 5' and it's pretty monotonous knitting... 3x2 ribbing. And I feel that I need to be in a good headspace when I knit it because as you know, my philosophy around knitting is that you're knitting yourself and your vibes into whatever you make. I'd like the scarf to have healing strong vibes, not 'stupid boring scarf' vibes!

Other than that, the only other thing I have on the needles is my Alpaca Tarp, which I really should endeavor to finish before the end of the month. Everything else has either been finished or ripped out and waiting for a trip to aforementioned Glenda's so I can borrow her swift for 20 min and reskein all my frogged projects!

Things I'm planning for (because I'm an overacheiver!)

My new cape design out of overdyed Louet Riverstone

Sedum Sweater out of Rowan Renew

Reverse engineered swing sweater out of Cascade Eco (if all goes well, that could be the third pattern)

Lovisa mitts out of Madeline Tosh DK in Flashdance and some white Debbie Bliss

Girasole the Second out of Indigo Moon BFL in Wildberries

Felicity Hat out of BSA Alpaca Silk in both the lime green and the hot pink color (together, in one hat)

Christopher Hat for me out of Spud and Chloe in Waterslide and Barn

Hot Water Bottle cover (of my own design) for Sharon out of (to be acquired... you'll notice that up until this project, it's all pre-existing yarn in my stash... more on another day about that!) Vintage Chunky in Orange and White

Another pair of Mary Jane Slippers out of Gray and White Smungkee Yarn leftovers

And I say 'another pair' because last night I made a pair. As per pattern, you cast on 30 stitches, knit for as many rows as you need till you get about an inch away from the tip of your foot (from the heel). Next row, K1, K2tog (repeat across) and then the last two rows are K2tog and then you thread the yarn through, sew up the cast on edge corner to corner and the toe (for about 2") and voila! I made a pair in the span of the evening last night (it would have gone faster if I was using metal needles and they weren't 14" straights... how awkward!). Anyhow, they were a bit big on me, so I stuffed them full of 100% Merino roving and then jammed my foot in... SO SOFT! I'm going to make another pair in 2 row stripes and only cast on about 24 stitches... Good for stash busting and good little slippers to wear when on the sofa knitting... I like to sit with one foot under me and a bulky slipper makes that uncomfortable... and I don't enjoy socks...

The Best Meatsauce EVER!

2011-09-17T18:46:00.000-07:00

I'm going to give up my secret recipe for meat sauce here.... Try to contain yourself!

Saute one head (not a clove, a HEAD) of minced garlic and one coarsely chopped onion in Olive Oil.
Add one each of coarsely chopped red green and yellow pepper.
Two small or one large coarsely chopped zucchini
1 bag of frozen cauliflower florets (if you're Canadian, go to Superstore and buy their brand)
2 cups of coarsely sliced mushrooms.
Add one large can of crushed tomatoes, one jar of chili sauce, one small can of tomato paste and one large can of diced tomatoes.
Lots of Worcestershire sauce, three large table spoons of sambal chili (or lots of Tabasco).
Oregano, thyme, Italian seasoning, salt and pepper to taste.
Brown 2lbs of lean ground beef, strain and add to pot.
Add one bag of frozen petite peas (again, Superstore).

Adjust seasoning to taste.

This makes a LOT... so either scoop into containers and freeze or invite your entire neighborhood over for dinner.... I plan to freeze mine... I'm not fond of my neighbors!

Serve over pasta or spaghetti squash.

I am a TERRIBLE food blogger!

2011-09-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

Oh, wait... I'm not a food blogger! Thank goodness because I ALWAYS NEVER remember to take pictures of the FOOOOOOD!

I made the 'Pumpkin Pie Cupcakes' listed two entries down... and I've now changed the name of them because they're not cupcakes!

I've renamed them 'Individual Crustless Pumpkin Pies'. It's a MUCH better interpretation of them and to be honest, Pumpkin Pie CUPCAKES sounds kind of gross!

The recipe is spot on (except add more pumpkin pie spice)! They're very yummy and that's according to me and two guys and two girls from my office!

Also, I ate like a Vegitarian today... (is the first step of Vegitarianism being able to spell it correctly?). I had my smoothie for breakfast (protein powder, sunflower seed butter, yogurt, oats and berries), cottage cheese and tomatoes with a pretzel bun and mustard for lunch and boiled purple potatoes with sour cream and butter for dinner! Also two Individual Crustless Pumpkin Pies. I did take a picture of the potatoes, but I'm not an excellent photographer, so instead, I've gone ahead and poached one from the internetz....

They were very tasty!

Oats... the myth, dispelled!

2011-09-14T10:33:00.000-07:00

A collegue of mine and I were just talking about oats... she said that Quick Oats (not the instant sugar kind) have no fibre and are not good for you, whereas steel cut oats are very good for you. As per usual, I consulted my good friend Google to get the answer.

If you like oatmeal but have recently been made to feel guilty (by the media, fitness trainers and the internet) for eating Quick Oats, which are as the name implies, QUICK, let me put your mind at ease. I got my info from THIS article and the comments.

A rolled oat is basically an oat, put through rollers and made flat. A steel cut oat is that same oat, cross cut into approximately three pieces. Keeping the outside of the oat intact means that the cooking process will be longer as those oats are more resistant to absorbing water. That's about the only difference.

The two biggest arguments to this are 'steaming the quick oat (which is done to partial 'par cook' it in order to make it 'quicker') causes it to lose it's nutritional value and 'rolling' it cause the Oat Bran to be removed.

As far as the steaming goes, yes, cooking causes items to lose some of their nutritional value, hence why eating raw is sometimes a better choice. But unless you're planning on eating your 1/4 cup of Steel Cut oats raw and crunchy (good luck with that!), you're going to cook them both, so it's not really a viable arguement.

And yes, the rolled oats change shape, potentially causing the oat bran to fall out... but ever notice that your quick oats are dusty? Well the oat bran that just fell out of your oat is likely crushed up and coating your rolled oat. If the fibre content of the two are identical, then it's safe to say that each still includes all its' fibrey parts!

Nutrients – Let’s compare the Quaker Steel Cut Oats to Quaker Rolled Oats.

1/4 cup of Quaker steel cut oats:
Calories – 150
Fat – 2.5g
Carbs – 27g
Fiber – 4g
Sugar – 1g
Protein – 5g

1/2 cup of Quaker old fashioned oats and quick oats:
Calories – 150
Fat – 3g
Carbs – 27g
Fiber – 4g
Sugar – 1g

Protein – 5g

*A rolled oat takes up more space than a steel cut oat, thereby needing more room for the same weight. That's why Steel cut oats are measured at 1/4c and the more bulky quick oats are measured at 1/2c. This comes out to the same weight of food and is thereby comparable.

Eye Candy (also known as Food P--N!

2011-09-12T09:13:00.000-07:00

Good morning!

It's another beautiful and sunny day in Vancouver!

I had a lovely 3 day weekend, altho I can't for the life of me remember what I did with it. I napped and knitted an entire hat and went to the Farmers Market in search of apples... Oh yes! I was so excited! My mouth was watering from just the thought of having my beloved Okanagan HoneyCrisp Apple! It's enormous size is practically enough for an entire meal and must be cut in half if one is eating it as a snack... altho to be fair, even tho I do cut it in half, I usually eat both pieces.... the last quarter of which is groaned through because they are HUGE! Perfectly sweet and tart, and the perfect texture. Not as hard as a Granny Smith, but not mushy either... the perfect 'crack' as you bite a piece off! Doesn't that sound amazing? I know! So picture my disappointment when i had gotten myself completely worked up about my apple (as you must understand, I'm allergic to apples, so when local apple season comes along, I must partake to my best ability) and there was no apple to be had! I was a month too early! No gorgeous HoneyCrisps, no sweet looking Pink Lady. No Ambrosia... no Jonogold. No! I did get a bag of Galas but they're certainly not my favorite. Turns out my favorite apples are Fall Harvest apples, according to THIS website!

I know I've been referring to Pinterest lately and I just have to say that it's become a tool in the fight for eating right. How you ask? Well my new favorite thing (and giant time waster) is to go on Pinterest, click on someone's 'food board' and then go to town devouring the amazing pictures and links to astoundingly gorgeous and tasty looking food blogs.

Would you like a sample of what I did yesterday morning while drinking my oh so healthy smoothie (which, incidentally, seemed to taste more luxurious, given the content of the images I was looking at.

I've included a link with each picture, because these food blogs are divine!

Raspberry Honey Tapioca

Carrot Cake Cookies

Impossible Pumpkin Pie Cupcake

10 Layer Cookie Square

I WIN!

2011-09-06T12:47:00.000-07:00

The Vancouver Stanley Cup Riot Review came out...

Found in the 101 pages, on page 74 of this link to be precise is the proof that I was right! 71.3% of the people arrested (or who have turned themselves in) were NOT FROM THE CITY OF VANCOUVER!

Less than ONE THIRD!

Honestly... I'm not stupid!

This girl!

2011-09-01T09:08:00.001-07:00

You guys!

I saw this girl last night. She seemed so cool! She was hanging out at a coffee shop with her friend and seemed to be really close friends with the owners. They all clearly love her and see something wonderful in her and she seems blissfully ignorant of the affect she has on those around her. Her smile lights up the whole room and she manages to draw perfect strangers in to her social embrace!

We were talking about music and movies and she must be really confident. When it became pretty clear that she'd never seen movies every other person on the planet has seen and not heard bands that every other person on the planet recognizes, she didn't seem ashamed or embarassed. Many people would either fib about their 'being in the know' or change the subject of the conversation. She actually seemed proud of the fact that she knew what her tastes were and what she liked and disliked. When asked HOW she had never seen the Batman movie, she said she didn't like seeing people in masks and therefore declined to see it. Makes sense to me! Our tastes these days are so much driven by what is 'hot right now' that if you ask someone what their favorite song is or their favorite anything, they have no idea because 'their favorite' is 'everyone else's favorite'... to fit in with the crowd, you know? She doesn't seem to care if she fits in... Her all time favorite song is Glory of Love by Peter Cetera for crying out loud! She declared that if it was on the sound system at that moment, she would beg for it to be cranked to the max and stand on the couch and sing along. I have every reason to believe that she may very well have done that!

She seems like the kind of person that everyone wants to get to know... her laughter is infectious and there's a lot of laughter. Her eyes sparkle as she tries to tell a silly joke... she doesn't get through it though because she falls into a fit of giggles... everyone else around her laughs with her...

There's something in her air that seems... wounded... a little unsure and a cloud sometimes comes across her face. It's almost impossible to spot, but it's there. She quickly banishes it to the farthest reaches in favor of laughing and being silly. It's more that she seems to be enjoying herself so much and a despair for lost and wasted time reminds her what a beautiful moment she's sitting in.

As the stranger that was caught in her social embrace leaves the shop, she calls after that she's 'there all the time'... and then to 'don't let that stop you from coming back' as she then dissolves into a fit of giggles again. The stranger seemed intrigued... who wouldn't be!

I'd sure like to see that girl again!

Oh, btw... that was me....

I'm sorry

2011-08-29T11:46:00.001-07:00

First, I would like to apologize to you all in advance for probably lying to you over the past year. I did it to preserve myself and I know now that if I would have told the truth about what was going on, that maybe you could have helped. You all did help in all the ways that you could, given the sometimes sparse and incorrect information I was handing out. I also want to thank you for being part of the rescue boat team that ended up saving my sinking ship.

Randomly:

1. I am a walking example of 'when you feel ready, you'll do it'. I'm pretty sure it was Tara that said 'Just keep doing what you're doing. When you get tired of it, and you will, then you'll start doing something else' (loosely paraphrased because I'm too L to go and find it in the comments!).

And it's my friend Kathleen that has always said 'Just change one small thing at a time and then get used to it and then change the next small thing'.

Living with Pat saw me miserable and unhealthy! We ate out all the time, I was made to feel guilty when I wanted to stay home and eat a bagel and cream cheese for dinner if what he wanted was 'out'. I stopped cooking because the kitchen lived in a constant state of 'unuseableness' (that is so a word!). When he moved out, I knew I wanted to change, well... almost everything. I stopped eating out entirely. In the last two months I've eaten out now four times. Twice with my sister at the pizza joint, once with my sister for breakfast and yesterday morning with Sam. When I'm hungry, instead of thinking of the fastest thing, which would normally be 'out', I now go for something in my house. Whether that's a bagel with cheddar cheese or Thai rice with poached eggs or something more complex like stew or meatloaf. I want to know exactly what is in my food, right down to the last sprinkle of seasoning and the only way to know that is to make it myself. Now, that's not to say that when I was first making this change I ate super healthy things. I didn't. I ate whatever I wanted so long as it was made by my hand!

Now that I'm feeling more settled and comfortable, I decided it's time to pick back up The Zone eating plan and tailor my 'eat only at home' plan with foods that are a bit more balanced. I'm so ready to start paying attention to labels, quantities and how my body feels when I eat different items. I wasn't able to do that with my previous living situation because every nigth eating out was a crushing blow to any good decisions I'd made that day. It was also difficult because if I (which I stopped doing) would buy the ingredients to make a certain number of zone lunches or breakfasts, that was always quickly consumed... anyway, basically my drive and ambition to eat healthy and take care of myself waned. It's back now and I'm on board! Busted out the ol' scale to make sure I was still 'eyeballing' correctly (turns out you don't really forget those types of things), read the binder to remind myself of the hormonal properties of food and now I'm off!

2. I made tofu last night. I forgot it is made from Soy, which I actively try and avoid. It was disgusting anyway... It had the texture of chewing on an old leather workboot and I really hate things that taste like nothing... I mean the sauce was good, but the actual tofu chunks don't really have their own flavor... Unfortunately I have to eat it for lunch today... I might sub out most of the tofu and eat the left over Cottage Cheese that I have...

3. I'm now on Pinterest and GoodReads. I swear it's like a full time job keeping up with all of these sites. Besides the sites, I get about a dozen 'junk' emails a day... I mean, they're not junk because I did sign up for them, but it's overwhelming to wake up at 6am and have ten unread emails. I usually just delete them on receipt because if I let it go for even a week (because I don't have time to read them during the week), there would be at LEAST 60, not including emails from people I WANT to hear from and other 'bonus' emails.

4. On the knitting front, I am on a roll with the plan to get things off the needles and finished. I put five things on the thread on Rav that I wanted to get done. The Blankie (check), The Purple (check), The Ribbing (check... I ripped that puppy out, which was the plan), The Bestee Pressie (check) and now I'm almost to the edging on the Alpaca Tarp. And with that I even cast on, knit and finished a hat for Sam. He wanted a Viking Hat, which for two years I refused to make... Then we came to a compromise about how 'viking-esque' it would be and I conceded to make it. I think I'm in love with making Worsted weight hats! It took me about five or six hours to do. Not bad! I'm going to use the leftover and make my dad one, since the hat he got last year is apparently not really wind resistant. I think I'm going to make him the Christopher Hat by Jane Richmond, but I'm going to do with without a pattern... It's a double thickness hat, which should keep his head much warmer! I'm quite excited about it actually and want to go home RIGHT NOW to start it!

that's about it for now... Here's a picture of Sam's new hat!

Twenty Year Plan

2011-08-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

Now, I know SOME of you already have a vague recognition of the plan. I assure you tho, this is no joke.

For those of you that don't know, let me back up a bit.

I grew up (32 years ago) in a small town in Northern BC. In 2006, the census says that there were 1113 people calling my hometown, home. I now live in a city that 579,000 people called home in 2006. That's an increase in over a half a MILLION people! And that isn't really accurate because the GVRD (which includes our suburbs, which are very impactful to the overall population. That number is over 2.2 million people).

When I moved to Vancouver, I decided that I never wanted to call any other place home. I love it here! I love the proximity to both oceans and mountains (altho the mountains and I enjoy eachother from a distance). I love the people for the most part, I love the fusion of so many different cultures and traditions and the overwhelming selection of amazing food. I mean, to be honest, you can get anything here... there's even an Egyptian restaurant! Cool!

I have spent many years here now... the house I moved in to when I moved to the city proper from the burbs (many years spent there too!) is the house I live in now. February will be my 10th Vancouversary! And I've loved every minute of it!

What I haven't loved in the last few years is my seeming lack of direction. Just knowing where you want to live isn't usually enough to sustain an entire life. What would I do for the rest of my life... dunno. How would I support myself for the rest of my life... dunno. I guess I could work at my existing job for the rest of my life... but what will I have to show for that in twenty years? Do I even WANT to do this for the rest of my life?

When I was sad and lonely in the last couple years, I would get out of bed every day, wondering to what end I was repeating the same thing... day after day after day. When does it end? When do I get to do the fun stuff? And I don't mean retire... or vacation... but live in such a way that makes me feel fulfilled and content. It's possible I've not ever really been content... ponders... ya, no... not ever.

When I took up knitting (see, knitting is in there... it IS after all a 'knitting' blog), I started to really enjoy the interaction with nature... I started to prefer more natural fibres, more environmentally consious processes. In my life I started to concentrate on my own impact on the environment... I started composting, taking transit and purchasing things with less toxins and less packaging. Not huge impacts really, but I do believe if we can all do what we CAN do and not dwell on what we can't do or what others are doing... more, better... then we're better off in the long run.

So back to my twenty year plan. I don't know how other people's 'dreams' start... one day you think something up and then you focus on it? Does it evolve? I mean, how does it really start? I want to call my twenty year plan my dream, but it's only been a definable dream for a short time. It's been a FEELING inside me for a long time... one that I didn't know what it was, but have now matured and evolved myself enough to know that my new dream is only fueled by the fire that's been inside me... not hampered or confused by it.

I'm sure you're curious enough now, so I'll just come out with it.

For the next twenty years, my focused life path will be to the following end:

I want to live on a farm with goats and chickens and barn kitties. I want to wake up in the morning and put my gumboots on and milk my goats. I want to make chevre the likes of which have never been tasted by mere mortals. I want to grow my own organic vegetables and take the excess to a farmers market. I want a studio in an outbuilding that has room for my fibre arts and I want a couple of Jacob sheep. I want to sit on my porch and survey my land. I want a warm and loving home that is inviting to all.

In order to make this work, the next twenty years will be dedicated to savings, debt repayment, learning and growing. I will not retire at an old age from a job I don't passionately love. I will however grow old on my own terms, on my own land and in my own way.

THAT is my dream. THAT is what will keep me getting out of bed every morning and give me the answer to the question 'What am I doing this for?'. That will give my life direction... something to work toward. Something big and beautiful and dreamy to caress and nurture. To dream dreams about and to inspire the gloomy days. Without this I'm just swishing around in the whirlpool of my life... not knowing which end is up or down... THIS... this dream is my anchor...

I'm. SO. EXCITED!